Shame and Blame cycle

How do I get out? I am up tonight writhing with self-inflicted anxiety and I don’t know how to stop. I’ve struggled with suicidal thought spirals, generally triggered by circumstances with men and feeling abandoned. I am aware that I am abandoning myself. And when I become aware, I hate myself even more. I think things like no one’s ever going to want me – look at how much negativity I create, look at how much pain I create for myself. What’s wrong with me? I never want to be vulnerable again. I never want to trust anyone. I’d rather die than feel this way. I’d rather be alone than put my heart on the line again. Which is also not true because I don’t want to be alone.

I have been in this all day, it has escalated and I tried to do a thought download, but it just made me more mad. I recognize what’s happening but it’s almost like I want to do this to myself because I’m not stopping it. But who would want to do this to themselves? I don’t, it feels so out of control when my thoughts get like this and I want to stop them, but all the tools I learned just make me more mad. I literally make myself physically ill with self-loathing and anxiety. I feel pain in my entire body, my stomach gets knotted, my head hurts from crying. I just want to disappear. How do I get a hold on this? I know my thinking sucks and I think I fail at changing it. I think there’s no hope left for me. I think my thinking is permanently negative and overthinking. I want to love myself. I know that’s the only way out and it feels impossible, which makes me think I’d rather just die. I don’t know how to stop this sometimes and asking myself “What if I did know?” just makes me want to throw my computer.