Shame and Repressed Anger


Hi there,
I had a circumstance happen while I was shopping at Target. I saw there was no one at the front entry covid desk where santizers, napkins, and sprays are available. I decided to grab a napkin and spray the napkin to wipe my cart handle. A woman from the registers in the distance caught eyes with me and informed me that I was not allowed to use the materials. In the circumstance, without awareness of thought. I felt deep shame, as if I had been punished for what I thought was a harmless action. Inside, I felt a deep sense of anger and rage towards the woman’s interaction with me which I allowed “air time” for the negative thoughts the entire time I was shopping. Thoughts included the desire to spray her in the face with the cleaning spray, to confront her and defend my position to use the materials, basically any form of attack towards her that would somehow justify my need to feel better. After I let my negative mind chatter blow off steam. I realized that this circumstance brought the awareness that I may need some practice in dealing with confrontation and expressing anger, both repressed and circumstantial. I have new awareness around issues related to my childhood programming and how I learned to avoid confrontation and expressing my anger. As a child I was taught that being angry and confrontational is not acceptable. When I needed to be corrected as a child I was treated with the cycle of anger, then punishment, resulting in internalized shame. For someone who is still learning how to be self expressive and confrontational, would you be able to provide any feedback on my current model and how I can allow myself to feel and or express my anger without me perceiving the need to attack or defend?

Here are some of my unintentional models regarding the incident:
C: I use Target napkin and spray to wipe down cart handle, Target employee confronts me not to use the materials
T: I am bad/wrong for using the items
F: Shame
A: Ruminate in negative mind chatter about ways to attack the woman
R: Feel better seeing that in my mind, I got even with the woman and I can laugh at myself for wanting to attack her

C: I use Target napkin and spray to wipe down cart handle, Target employee confronts me not to use the materials
T: Why can’t I use the materials, it’s available and there’s a pandemic
F: Defensive
A: Chest and throat tightens in defensiveness, I apologize for using the items
R: Repressed anger due to my lack of defending myself in the circumstance

Here are some of my intentional models:
C: I use Target napkin and spray to wipe down cart handle, Target employee confronts me not to use the materials
T: The woman’s reaction towards my use of the materials does not warrant punishment or shame, I can be ok with my decision to use the materials even if I was told I am not allowed to
F: Secure in my desire to use the spray and napkin to wipe down cart
A: I move on and shop
R: I allow shame and work through the motions of my aggression

C: I use Target napkin and spray to wipe down cart handle, Target employee confronts me not to use the materials
T: My desires were innocent, I do not need to attack myself or receive the woman’s information as a form of attack towards me
F: Supported
A: I continue to use what I have gathered to clean my cart and walk away from the woman
R: I feel empowered and confident that I didn’t do anything wrong

I would like to get any feedback on the most compassionate way to go about dealing with shame and anger and how might someone be able to both process and allow shame and anger in these types of confrontations. Thank you!