I feel a ton of shame around this topic. I’m not sure if this is TMI but I’ve neglected getting coaching on this for some time so here we are!

Context: I’m in a committed relationship and we’ve been dating for 9 months. It started when I went on a few trips earlier this year. I’d download a dating app and my thoughts at the time were I just want friends or I’m in a new city for a short period of time and this will probably be the best and quickest way to meet people. Then I’d come back home and delete them. I wouldn’t lie if he asked me because I have nothing to hide that was the truth and I’ve never met anyone on these apps.

Now for the past few months I will just download the app to just get pictures and talk dirty to someone and masturbate and then when I’m done I will delete the app. I don’t really think it’s wrong because I never meet anyone of these people and have no intention of doing so. The conversation is essentially me just leading them on until I get what I want. The guilt and shame probably is coming from the thoughts of me asking myself what if someone I talk to knows my boyfriend and they tell him. I think if I told him the truth that I have no intention to meet these people and am purely using it to get off I don’t think he’d really care.

My logic is what’s the difference between that and porn? He’s not mad at me for watching porn so why would he be mad at this? The only difference is they’re closer and I’m actually talking to them. We’ve talked about an open relationship before but said we should wait until we’ve been dating for at least a year to try anything outside of the two of us. I stopped masturbating for about two weeks because I believed it isn’t good for mental health, period. Then the thoughts crept in that this is normal and I shouldn’t suppress my sexual urges.

So by giving in I honestly have made the whole situation worse because I never felt guilt about random porn but now being on the dating apps makes me feel icky. I’m not sure what my question is. Maybe it’s how do I break a habit? Or should I just be honest and tell him and see what he thinks about it? I think the negative feelings are coming from his unknown reaction and response.