Shame around letting myself go.

Ok. So I am so glad that these questions are anonymous! I have a lot of shame around my divorce and the part I may have played in the demise of my marriage. I have written in before – spiraling around my ex husband leaving me. He says that I let myself go. He would call me ugly but also said that he thought I didn’t try to be prettier or dress sexier or just BE sexier in general. I wanted reassurance and validation from him but he said that wasn’t his job and I see that you agree. I get that. At the time, I had three small children plus three autoimmune disorders that left me exhausted. I could barely function I was so tired all the time but I look back and wonder if I had somehow found a way to take better care of myself and dress sexier etc if I could have saved our marriage. I have so much shame around being discarded for how I looked when I could have tried harder to look better…. I have so much shame around being a cliche when I NEVER thought I would be that woman. I hear you talk about wearing heels every day for your husband and I never really did that. I felt like he should love me as I was. We live in the mountains and I run after my small children all day… and before my own kids, I was preschool teacher, sitting criss cross all day every day and I dressed accordingly… so never really sexy. I would dress up for date nights or parties but other than that I was too lazy maybe.. too tired. I know he would have liked if I had made the effort to look better. I keep very fit and never let myself go in that way but I did have a uniform of basics that I would wear because I put most of my brain power into my children and my house. I have so much shame around this and am having a hard time forgiving myself for not being a good wife. I guess I deserved to be left when I wasn’t making myself attractive to him.