Shame from not progressing quickly enough


Unintentional model:
C: I have been in scholars for 10 months
T: I haven’t made much progress / I’m not making progress fast enough / I’ve been doing it wrong because most of the time I haven’t been doing the work / I suck for not making progress / It’s not even hard to do the daily work and still I failed at it for so many months, therefore I am not as worthy as people who progress in SCS quickly
F: shame
A: Buffer / distract myself from thinking about it.
R: No self-development progress / Delayed progress –> this result provides evidence that I’m making very slow progress

Intentional model:
C: I have been in scholars for 10 months
T: Maybe all the failures and inaction was exactly what needed to happen to launch me into massive progress in 2020
F: hopeful / excited for a fresh start
A: do the daily work / try things even when uncertain of how to do it the “best way” or the “fastest way”
R: Massive progress / Faster progress –> this result provides evidence for the thought that the inaction of my past has no bearing on my success going forward and may have actually been necessary/helpful for the progress I am now making

Is there a way I can feel better about making progress slowly? Because right now that feels like I’m not worthy since I’m not progressing as quickly as I’d hoped. This intentional model ended up being more positive than I had hoped but I still feel shame thinking about how little work I’ve put in for the amount of time I’ve been in scholars.

If I think about it from my future instead of from my past, I guess I can think that I can somewhat believe that “of course these failures needed to happen” or “this is part of the learning” or “these actions that are the same as I have always done, but now that I’ve been paying for SCS, have now been under scrutiny and no longer hidden from my awareness, so now I am actually able to change these habits!” or “an arrow needs to be pulled backwards before it can be launched forward.”

Anyway, I don’t think I need help with this anymore but I think I’ll post this anyway because I would still like to see if you have any feedback on areas where I can clean up or improve my models or see if there is any other constructive criticism or advice I can gather from this! Additionally this might happen to help someone else who is struggling with the same thoughts!