Shame of the past

I’m noticing I have a lot of shame in my past of my thoughts, feelings, and actions towards myself and others. I am seeing how controlling and manipulative my past models have been in life to make me feel good. I’ve felt sneaky, wrong, dishonest, and shameful. I admitted today I don’t know what it’s like to not want to fix me or others. My brain moves fast to the things I deem negative, off, not good enough, or needs to be better in my life what feels like every second of the day. It makes up things are the “answer” to my pain.

Example “It’s because of X! Or you’re hiding X! It’s looking real hard right now and it feels terrible.

I don’t know where to start in this work. I’ve always been told I need more self compassion and to stop being so hard on myself. I’ve never known even remotely how to do that until this work. But this shame makes me think I’ve reached the work I’ve needed to reach for years now. The shame is heavy at the moment and I would love a direction to go from here.