Shame/Guilt response to new situations, unable to get past feeling cascade sometimes. Trying to nail down thoughts driving it. Help


Hey Brooke,

So I’ve been a member for a 8 months now. Frankly I’ve committed to working on this AND been one of the ones you talk about that freaked out and then came back again. I know I am not alone in this:) Its a big damn deal for me to spend 300 right now on me and even with that being true I am often overwhelmed at what comes up as I work on this stuff.

So Here goes, story, story, story, and now I am 56 year old mom with 2 wonderful teenage girls I adore and an ex-partner who is also a great committed parent. We were together for 18 years and it was awful a lot of the time even though I cared deeply and we shared the love of our children. Much of the drama I now see came from my side of the street. My history, my beliefs, thoughts, trauma, etc. I have worked very hard to grow through that. I’ve been in AA and sober for 29 years which has been really helpful in my life. I have read many of the books you talk about. I mediate, pray, exercise, i’m not overweight, but have struggled a lot with being depressed and unhappy. I was a firefighter for years and exposed to quite a bit of Trauma and have done work around that, I’ve tried meds, they don’t work. I’ve done enough counseling to feel now like its still an option but not always helpful either.

Over the past 5 years my 28 year career as a Firefighter ended with a merger that left me without a job pretty unexpectedly. I also had some major health issues and divorce. I have since bought a house, found a new job, gone to counseling, and now am working on SCS.

I started listening to you about a year ago driving and back and forth to work and while I was working on my house. I have found your work very helpful to listen too but when I start doing the daily things I often get overwhelmed. I see so many thought errors and struggle to deal with the feelings that come up. I get into the loop of judging that you speak about. Sorry not great a writing.

I keep feeling stupid that I havent figured this stuff out yet.

The issue that causes the most trouble right now for me is when I am around my ex or trying to do something new. For example work on my house and my ex comes by and says something, or I get a haircut, or go on a date. I cant figure out all the thoughts but what I feel is shame and guilt a lot. When I look my actions I am not doing anything wrong but seem to have a critical voice? in the past I have often gone to rage from the shame feelings and then acted poorly. Since I am no longer beating myself up and telling myself I am doing something wrong for feeling shame or guilt when I feel these feelings it has helped. To the point that my ex said as much. Yes!!! some progress. BTW thank you also for the money and productivity work. It’s been helpful in me getting some traction on some stuff I havent been able to do.

Model I think for current situation –

C- Around Ex T – I’m bad somehow ? or need to do something different F – Shame/Guilt Action – rage or dissociate Result – Drama or Lonliness

C – Around Ex T – ?Help (What I am doing is reasonable) F – Shame Guilt also Action – Feel it Result – less drama

Any coaching here would be helpful. Like now I feel stupid like I should know where to go with this.

Thanks Laura