Hi there. So this is a model that has come up A LOT in the last years, and it is about integrity with myself at work and for my long term well being/purpose. So I have a story of low body weight and I have been experiencing really strong dejection around my body for the past 13 years since I put on some fat on my belly. Now, I am not yet to the place of loving my body unconditionally, I am being progressively more intentional with it but is a VERY slow process. So in the meantime, to keep living in a body that somewhat I feel more comfortable in I am making food prep + I am doing exercise, now 4 days/week. The acceptance of my body at the moment is conditioned on me keeping these habits.
Now here is the model
C: daily feelings of dejection around my body, spent 1h10′ in the gym + time to go shower dress up = 2.30h I was away from my desk
T: I am acting like a spoiled kid because I am prioritizing fearful feelings around my body over work/purpose
F: shame
A: hide = don’t let anyone know that I have these types of working times
pretend it is all fine
push myself to grit my teeth and regain back my worthiness by working harder
push away these shameful thoughts
R: Intense resistance during work, work gets overwhelming => break, distract or try to coach myself => less work is done = more time to fearful feelings, less on work

So this model has been there SO much time, I have been in overwhelm for years because of this. So what I discovered so far:
– shame has not propelled me to change anything
– I choose to stay here because on the other side dejection about my image is a stronger negative feeling, so I get more comfortable in making sure I am not going there, and this shame for how I show up at work is a compromise that for the time being seems the option to follow
– I am loading myself for not being able to do what mature people would do to get out elegantly from this loop, i.e. accepting fully my body
– I don’t want to analyse and face this model because I am telling myself that then I’d be morally obliged to change my behaviours

My questions for you would be:
1) suggestions on how to approach this
2) When we are shaming ourselves for a behavior, a habit of ours, we could choose either A] process shame, own it, and decide to keep my behaviour and not shame myself anymore for it or B] process shame, own it, and change the behaviour. Did I miss other alternatives? So it is clear that I am stuck in a place where I don’t want to choose neither A nor B, so I am losing anyway, but how do we choose A over B? Meaning is there an indicator, some question that can help me direct myself to A or B? Because by looking at my values from slightly different perspectives I could choose both A and B…

thanks for helping me with this, which is a strong one for me!