Sharing my next new thoughts on safety

today I finally got that a lot of my unproductive thoughts/feelings/behaviors stem from feeling unsafe and so then compulsively seeking the possibility of safety (love, approval, acceptance) and at the same time dis-empowering myself. I have been doing this since I was a child- not always, it was something that would get triggered in the face of the possibility of disapproval. It really kicks in in environments where I get rated (school/work) and relationships.

I know I have been here before, but this is a next level, because I am allowing myself to feel that scare- whatever it is- with an effort to soothe myself and to let myself know I can feel anything and be fine, and that I can take a look at my beliefs to see what it is I am really believing that is causing me to suffer so much.

And I know this was a moment where I have to face things I told myself and realize they were false, and I’d have to face the truth about other people- they really do not always do what you want them to do

I told myself it would be terrible if my father did not love me. It would be terrible if the environment was unsafe. I cannot handle it if other people are unsafe. People must be safe or I am annihilated. What does annhilation mean? That I have no potential, whatever good I think I bring to the world is a false understanding- simply, that I cannot believe in myself as a viable being.

And so then what if I truly commit every day, many times a day, to new thoughts that actively counter this.

UM’s: It would be terrible if my father did not love me. It would be terrible if R doesnt love me. It would be terrible if R never loved me. It would be terrible if I were in an unsafe environment. I would be annihilated. There would be no me. I need others to validate me for me to be allowed to exist

IM: I do not need anyone’s love and I never did.
IM: It was a lie I told myself-that others must love me or be safe for me- because I didnt want to face not feeling safe.
IM: It is OK to not feel safe in unsafe environments and I will always provide safety within, for myself.
IM: I was trying to remain safe by controlling others behaviors, which is impossible.
IM: I allow others to be who they are and I strive to see them clearly and honestly without trying to change them.
IM: I do not need anyone else to be safe for me because I choose my friends wisely and ultimately I am creating robust and sustaining safety within myself.
IM: I can handle anything because I am smart and strong.
IM: Noone and not even me can annhiliate me ever, I am safe within myself.
IM: I completely and utterly have my back and I exist and strive and thrive