I’m constantly thinking I should be better [at various things] / further along in life / should have achieved more, rather than accepting and loving where I am now. I have lots of C’s that I feel good about in my life but constantly feel I am not doing as well as what I could be doing.
I was moved up a year in school for being smart, but I ended up dropping out of university due to an eating disorder. Although I have done some work around what I make this mean now (all my choices have led me to a lovely life, etc, it had to happen that way, etc), I find it nags at me even though I choose to believe it all happened for me, in a way.
My model looks like:
C I am 33
T I should have more accomplishments by now
A ruminate, compare self to others, look back at life and wonder what would have happened if I’d made different decisions, cultivate perfectionist fantasies on how I can be better, fail to meet perfectionist fantasy goals such as strict calendaring, buffer negative emotion, judge buffering, tell self I shouldn’t be buffering,
R: Feel unaccomplished
How can I use this work to feel peaceful and loving for myself and my life as it is, rather than ‘shoulding’ all over the place?