SHOULD / Why not me?

Something I keep working on is changing my “I should” thoughts. For example, I should have x,y,z in my life; that person does, and all those people do, I should too.

Also, the poor me narrative like, my life would be better/different if I had the benefit of a long-term partner in my life these past 15 years, everyone else does, everyone else falls in love, etc.

I know lots of people have it worse, are single, unhappy in their relationships. I look for evidence of all the other ways I’m loved and supported in my life. I tell myself I am my own best partner; I can create the life I design for myself, I do gratitude exercises.

This persistent belief that I deserved to have not been alone the last 15 years really gets me. I’m working so hard on trying to re-train my brain, but even now, I’m crying typing this because it just FEELS SO TRUE. Re: the 50/50, I feel like I’m living all the bad 50% now (the past decade), and I don’t think it’s fair, ugg all this victim language.

I hear it. I want to banish it. It all just feels so true. Do I need bridge thoughts? The ones I’m generating seem so negative still.

My life wasn’t as bad as it could have been.
I could be even worse off if I’d had a “bad” partner (but I don’t think I would have a totally destructive partner in my life…that’s not my style).
Things will get better ?? Ugg.