Showing up as I want to now


Hi! I would love some help with putting this into a unintentional model and an intentional model. I have alot of negative thoughts running through my mind at the moment.

C: Returning to a university subject after two years (I chose to withdrawal due to a health issue and then had a baby, left my job and relocated overseas). I chose to do the subject when I was working full-time in the sector as a professional development opportunity, but I have different ambitions now. But I decided I would complete the 3-month module now anyway, as I had paid for it and there is still learning opportunity.

This is what my brain is offering me:

You don’t have a right to be here, you are fooling yourself, you will never be able to reflect and articulate yourself academically like these people can, this doesn’t come naturally for you and it never will, you should just focus on being a mum, you should have finished this course two years ago, this isn’t even relevant to you anymore, you are wasting your time, why don’t you just give up now? If you give up now, you will have wasted your money, you promised yourself you were going to finish this module, you will most likely find pockets of inspiration in this course, what if you gave it a go with the intention to ENJOY it, what if you accepted all your mind drama about this course and got on with it anyway, what if you set the intention to enjoy, what if you stopped worrying about what the other people could be thinking, maybe they aren’t thinking anything, maybe they have their own worries, what if everyone there has imposter syndrome, isn’t that crazy!?

My negative thoughts are causing me to feel:
F: anxious, demotivated, uninspired, unproductive, stagnant

A: Avoid doing the work, find 100 other tasks to work on instead, browse online stores for play equipment for my son, drag out the work by not fully immersing myself in it when I set the time for it, dread the time I have allocated for it and convince myself I should be focusing on my coaching business, go back and forth in indecision, beat myself up about it, fall behind and then feel terrible.
I also keep comparing myself now to where I was back then and thinking that I wasted my opportunities that I can never get back.

I want:
To feel inspired, motivated, driven and accomplished.

I want to show up fully concentrated and alert for the 3 two hourly slots I have scheduled for this in my week. I want to ENJOY the process of learning and not have it tainted by worrying whether I am good enough to be there. I want to complete the assignments, aiming for B- and release past perfectionist tendencies which led me to requesting extensions and staying up all night to finish assignments ‘perfectly’.

I want to learn and progress through the course with joy and trusting that it IS relevant to me now, even though I am not currently working in the sector –believing that I have something to contribute and that I am going to learn and grow and make myself proud.