Showing up for myself

Hello Coaches!
So I’ve been feeling a bit absent from scholars the last week and need to reign myself back in. I’m having lots of trouble with my thoughts about work lately and am not wanting to even go in. I do not like being told what to do and this stems from childhood for sure. And when I want to ask for something, I sometimes feel I shouldn’t have to ask, like I’m entitled or something. I know that when I used to ask for things as a kid I was told no a lot by my dad, like if I wanted an ipod, I would get an mp3 player instead because it was just as good but not as expensive even though he would buy all the best stuff for himself. He did that with my mom as well, she would get his old car and he would keep the new car for himself. I always thought of him as selfish and I’m wondering if my control issues stem from that time in my life. I feel like I’m entitled to have the best things because I was told I couldn’t have them. As I’m writing this I’m realizing that I’m getting my self worth from having stuff, not from knowing I’m worthy already from the inside out. I need to definitely work on this mindset about my worth but it feels so untrue right now. I am still looking for my worth on the outside.

I feel like I have done so much work around my dad but I believe there is still more as my thoughts about him still trigger me. I also have the fear that I will never be able to work for myself because I don’t believe right now that I have what it takes. I’ve been told that by someone who means nothing to me and I let it knock me down so hard that I still think about it 5 years later. Ugh, isn’t that terrible? I have also not been showing up the way I want to at work the last couple weeks and it’s affecting my performance as I am still not building a solid cleintele. I was chosen by my boss to attend these sessions over the last 4 months and then to come back and teach our staff what I learned. After the last session, I half assed my teaching and didn’t do my best. I disappointed myself and also my boss I think. It’s like all I want to be is valued and seen and when I am, I screw it up and prove to myself I’m not of value so that I can keep proving that thought true. I want to be the leader in my own life but how can I begin to do that if when something goes well, I sabotage it and prove I’m not good enough. How come I can’t show up if I’m not completely in control or in charge? What I mean by this is that if I’m given too many guidelines I rebel but if I have freedom, I tend to give myself less freedom and get shit done. How do I trick my brain into always knowing I’m in charge no matter what, that I can show up even when I don’t yet work for myself?? It’s like I am so used to complaining and blaming others and that keeps me comfortable unfortunately. I want to get over myself and need some good self-coaching right now. Also, I feel like I’m avoiding my boss and don’t want to be at work when she is around. This also feels like I am avoiding myself. Thanks in advance for all your insight on my issues coaches!!