Sister drama in my head


I called my sister to tell her my mom died. She said, “I know,” and I said, “how?”

(my mom had just died within the last 15 minutes and I was asked to call this sister to tell her ).
She said she got a text from our sister in law and then said, “I am not in a good space. I need to go meditate” and hung up.

I have been making a lot of drama about this, especially because since the call I have only gotten very short one sentence replys to texts I have sent her. She has never tried to call me back. It has been 10 days. We usually talk for an hour a day. This is very different.

I keep telling myself she needs space to process, this is not about me, I can love her for who she is right now. I don’t need to feel like I need to rescue her or check in if I am the cause of her withdrawal from communication.

I am also tempted to ask my sister in law what she wrote in the text…and if she had written to my sister in the final hours of my mom’s life..we knew it was a matter of hours/days before she was going to pass. This sister in law does not like my sister and is outspoken about accusing this sister of ruining my parents life, will not communicate with her, and my brother is not in communication with my sister at all basically except to yell at her when they see each other. I know I should keep out of it and love them both for who they are right now. I have 2 other sisters, one who left the family when the fighting began 30 years ago and one who sides with my brother and also who does not communicate with anyone except my brother and me. She only started to communicate with me since my mom died. It has been 7 years since she cut me off.

I am trying to understand it would be wrong to jump in and try to rescue my sister who has been blamed for a lot of things unfairly. I am trying to understand it is OK for her to cut me off as a way to take care of herself right now. I am trying not to freak out that I may no longer have a close relationship with her moving forward. I am trying to forgive myself for continuing to love a brother and sister who’s actions toward my sister feel cruel and unjustified. I am trying realize I am a good sister by listening to both sides of the argument between them and not fighting back to defend my sister which makes my brother and sister think I side with them and my sister feel abandoned by me because I continue to have a relationship with them.

I am wondering if it is wrong for me to communicate these feeling to the sister who has suddenly cut me off. I guess I don’t need to understand her withdrawal from me and I can continue to love her and feel close to her even if she never speaks to me again.

She had threatened to cut me off completely a few weeks before my mom died when my sister in law wrote her an email on my mom’s behalf demanding an apology be given on my mom’s death bed for her to be able to die in peace. She told me our relationship was too painful because it was a reminder of our family. I talked her out of it. But as I write this now I see how that was pointless to try and control her to stay in touch. I guess I have to accept that she needs to move on and cut me off and still love myself. I have been trying to process my anger and let it go to make room for forgiveness and acceptance for what is.

I am not sure my sisters will attend my mom’s celebration of life party we plan to have after COVID 19 at my brother’s lake house (mom’s wishes). I am trying to accept this. I am trying to imagine who I want to be at the service when the day does come for us to gather for her memorial. What if all siblings are there? What if some chose not to come? How will I choose to feel? How will I choose to deal with people asking why all siblings aren’t there as my mother worked her whole life to present a facade that she had a perfect family? I know as a SCS I have the power to chose all my thoughts to make all of this be as I want to think it will be.

I just need some encouragement for why I need to do this and why it is possible to do this without losing who I am in the process. I feel like I am just going to be an actor in a play going through the motions with a preplanned script. I want to be my authentic self. I want to be kind and not feel like a liar to just say “everyone grieves in their own way” or to say “yes it is interesting that they chose not to come.” I want to be able to be kind to all my siblings and authentic in my unique relationships with each of them if they all do choose to show up. I feel like a liar that I am the only sibling that has a relationship with all of them. Who am I that I can love these people if they don’t love each other and refuse to be in a room together? Am I just a people pleaser? Somedays I choose to think that, even though I know it makes me suffer. Maybe I am addicted to the suffering because I know it so well?

The good new is I have time to figure this out given the safe in place restrictions may remain for months……LOL.