My sister is my best friend and I have looked up to her for a long time. She is five years older, and went through a breakup last year and has had a very difficult time dealing with it. She has put on probably fifty pounds and never does her hair or makeup anymore (she had Covid which was her excuse but I think that is total BS).
She has problems with her job during the pandemic and took out what I thought were huge loans, on top of the loans she already has. She’s getting older and basically I look at her now and find it even hard to listen to her talk about her problems (especially finances and weight stuff) because I look at her life and I feel very scared.
I think the thought that “she is living my nightmare”. I want to be able to look up to her as an example, but I just see her gaining all this weight, being so much in debt, dating losers, and not having her life together. I feel afraid, I think because I want to look to her as an example but now I’m just terrified of ever turning out like her. I want to keep being close with her, and she actually doesn’t seem stressed out about her situation, which also really confuses me, as I would like to see her do something to fix it. I don’t understand why she doesn’t take better actions to clean up her life.
I can see that I want her to “take better actions to clean up her life” so that I can use her as an example and I can feel better. If she started taking what I think are responsible actions to lose weight, get out of her serious debt, and get her life back in order, I could feel…. it would make me feel like I have a path to follow, she could be my example again.
I think that I am wanting her to change so that I can have a thought that says my dreams are possible and that it’s not even that hard. She’s showing me an example of things going, in my opinion, very wrong, and it scares me.
This is my UM:
C: sister gained 50lbs, has a lot of debt (I don’t know exactly how much), is single, doesn’t put on makeup or take care of her body at all
T: I can’t stand listening to her talk about this stuff anymore and watch her continue to make terrible decisions
A: I don’t really want to be as close with her anymore, I don’t listen when she talks about the money and financial problems she has now (I feel like it’s bad juju to be around this all the time), I judge the way she looks, I am constantly judging the food she is eating, I think she is lazy and doesn’t try hard, I am embarrassed by her.
R: ??? (I can’t figure this out)
I would like to stop judging her so that I can just be there for her in this difficult time, and I also want to create my own feelings of confidence in my own dreams and life that aren’t affected by the state of her life. But really it’s not as easy as “yes it could happen to you, and why is that a problem?” because I honestly don’t think I could handle it. I feel like I would rather not be alive than be in her situation. It is my worst nightmare.