Sister, Unconditional love/confidence/anger/compassion


I’m working on loving my younger sister unconditionally and being able to express myself freely and confidently. I have an older and younger sister, and below is the discussion (I excluded my older sister’s comments for brevity; S= Younger Sister; M=me, and FYI my younger sister is a lawyer.)

S: Mom said you two sisters have a trip planned to Savannah?

Me: Hi Younger Sister! Older Sister is going to a conference there next week—I need to get some stuff out of my storage there and was fly there in March, but moved my trip up. Want to join? How are you?

S: I would have liked to have been included….

Me: You were included today! And you weren’t excluded previously, although it makes sense one could jump to that conclusion.

S: You may not see it as exclusion but I see it as: hey why don’t we ask (younger sister) if she is available as well. In the past, we’ve always reached out to one another even if we thought the other couldn’t make it for financial or work reasons. I’m simply telling you that you hurt my feelings that on one asked if I wanted to join in.

Me: Yes, clearly your feelings are hurt—I’d love to do some coaching around this, would you be interested?

S: No. And I’m not even asking for an apology but I’m asking for that next time be more thoughtful and included everyone. Your response is somewhat pompous and passive aggressive. It appears as a complete refusal on your part to say sorry I should have included you. Instead you make excuses and offer to mentor me. And if you are wanting to be a coach professionally, would it be correct for you to engage in coaching a potential client you are already personally involved with in this type of discussion? It seems to me that would not be a professional approach. That would be like me offering you legal advice while I am engaged in a legal issue with you.

Me: I’ve hurt your feelings and I apologize.

S: Thank you for your apology accepted and appreciated.

My model on what happened:
C: my sister called my response pompous, passive aggressive and unprofessional
T: my sister is mean, aggressive and unloving and says hurtful things to me
F: deeply wounded and angry
A: get mad and feel sorry for myself, and unsure how to even begin to respond to her, so I don’t say anything about what she said
R: not willing nor able to love unconditionally, and beat myself up more, and feeling unresolved

My intentional model:
C: my sister called my response pompous, passive aggressive and unprofessional
T: she must be in a really bad place to lash out like this
F: compassionate
A: say: you must be in a really bad place to lash out like this and call me these names, I apologize for hurting your feelings; once you calm down I’d like to address the type of words you use with me
R: a better relationship with myself and with her

1) Are my models accurate? 2) what kind of conversation do I now have in order to let her know that it is not ok to use those types of words with me—I want to come from a place that whatever anyone thinks about me is their choice, but I also don’t want to be a doormat.