In July I had submit a question regarding my boyfriend and how he wasn’t meeting my needs.
I was hesitant to drop my manual for him because in doing so would make me feel as if I am giving up on my dreams and goals for myself and my partner.
We went on vacation together and again some of my needs weren’t being met so I talked to him about it.
We openly discussed and he and I are both willing to try harder.
I realized that a lot of his behavior changes (less affectionate, less intimacy, nothing like when we first met almost 6 years ago) I was making it mean something about me (he wasn’t attracted to me, his feelings towards me have changed). He never once confirmed any of my suspicions as to why his behavior changed. He just simply says it’s what happens after you’ve been in a relationship a while. I feel he might not be willing or ready to grow with me on this self development path. And that’s ok. I realized how much I was making it mean something about me and I don’t need to do that anymore. I’m a great catch and have a lot to offer someone. So obviously there is something going on within him to make his behavior change. And if he isn’t willing to open up with me and explore this, than I can’t force him either.
We had more discussions about our future yesterday and he doesn’t like talking about it especially if there isn’t any real changes. Which to me, that’s how you make change, by discussing hopes and dreams and desires and then devise a plan of action. He gets irritated and told me it reminds him of how he felt when he was with his ex wife. Like whatever he does isn’t good enough. Which dumbfounds me that that is what he is making it mean when I talk about buying my dream home. He takes that as his place is a hell hole (his words). I can’t control how he interprets me wanting better and more for my/our life. He is making it mean something about him.
I realized how much he is living in a victim story and I never ever saw it before now and doing all this work.
I too have been living in my own, feeling stuck and trapped in this relationship that isn’t making me fully happy.
But am I choosing to focus on the negative? Where I should be doing the thought work there? He is a great guy, always there for me when I need him. Kind and caring about his family. Good qualities. But is that enough?
Or could it be that we are not aligned as I would like to be, and I need to do the thought work on why I’m choosing to stay so long being unhappy and unfulfilled.
I guess where I’m trying to go with this and where I need your help is that I feel that I’m outgrowing this relationship.
I can try to convince myself to love our situation thru thought work, (long distance and if I stay in this will continue long distance for many more years possibly) or I can be untrue to myself and move down there and have a long commute to work.
While he gets everything he wants and I do all the sacrifice.
I was listening to some of the VIP and regular coaching calls and it is clear how important it is to know which path to go down when doing the thought work. Because one route can be the long way round.
I love my boyfriend but I just don’t know if I want to stay in this relationship where I am changing and growing and he is comfortable never having more than what he has. Which is great if he is happy and he is.
So it makes me realize I’m the one that needs to change.
But a partnership is 2 people.
I also listened to the one call with the actress who was 37, and her eggs are 37.
Well I’m 42 and my eggs are 42 too! Hah! But that resonated with me because I think I’m kinda in a hurry to have my life play out a certain way because of my age and how if I stay with this guy then my chances of ever having my own baby are slim to none because we can’t even figure out how to live in the same place because neither one of us is willing to go all in.
And having a baby isn’t a big dream at the moment. It might be tho if I felt my partner and I could figure this out.
This is where the spinning and spinning in confusion comes into play.
Any and all thoughts are so welcome.
I don’t want this to distract me this week. As I’m coming to coach training and I cannot wait!
I feel so aligned with what Brooke and you all do, that it feels so right to me.
I wish my relationship felt the same way.
(yes, those are feelings caused by my thoughts).
I think I know what thoughts cause me not to feel aligned with him.
I have goals, he does not
I have dreams, he wants to survive
I like to plan, he doesn’t
He is happy never leaving his area (although he says he will but maybe a few years down the line), I want to go anywhere I want to go in this big ol world and don’t want to wait a few years!
So then what is causing me to stay?
Thoughts of what if leaving is a big mistake
Will I have this many mental struggles in all my relationships?
What if I can’t find anyone else
Sad that Id be losing my best friend
Sad that I’d be losing all his friends (I have 2 good friends in my life who live out of state, all his friends accepted me as their own and I will greatly miss them).
Scared that then I’d have to really deeply rely on me for all my emotional needs and support and can I do it? (Id like to believe I can).
hmmmm maybe I’m asking the wrong questions.
What if by staying I’m missing out on the love of my life, where things just organically work out
What if by staying I’m not allowing myself to pursue who else is out there
What if by staying I’m allowing myself to waste my precious time and energy constantly ruminating about our situation when that energy will be needed to pursue my coaching career.
I guess I need to feel into these questions and feel which are the most true to me.
Do you use your gut and intuition and how something feels to you when making a decision?
Thanks so much! I know this was a lot to digest. And kind of all over the place. But I trust the right words come out when they need to.