Skeleton in the closet thought causing so much pain.

Okay, here goes my skeleton in the closet. I think I’ve realized my super painful thought and one of the main thoughts that keep me thinking of divorce. As a brief background (hard to admit to this), I had a brief affair.

C: I’m married or I had an amazing affair?
T: I’m never going to have passionate, amazing sex again
F: Deep loss
A: Cry, pull away from my husband, fantasize about the other man
R: More distant relationship with my husband- no sex

I’ve never really enjoyed sex that much with my husband. It’s never been great. But my little fling was amazing… that opened up a whole new desire I never knew I had. I find myself longing for that that free, playful, open, intimacy that I had with the other man. I know that the model will say that I can change my thought to make it more exciting and passionate with my husband, but I’m struggling with this. It’s just not as pleasant and open. We don’t look at each other while intimate. We don’t talk. It’s always the same. His nose always hits my eye awkwardly, his body is so skinny and there’s just so much I’m noticing that I don’t enjoy about our sex life to the point I don’t want to have sex with him. Yet, the thought that as long as I’m married (and don’t have affairs!), I’ll never have that feeling again and it’s so sad to me.

I know that the amazing coaches will knock some sense into me and point out all my thoughts and that hardly any of this is fact. I’m just having a hard time reconciling that I really want that easy, free, open, exciting intimacy that I don’t have with my husband because he’s not as free, open, playful, and his body doesn’t feel so good to me. Last night while laying next to him and touching his arm, I noticed my immediate thought of how he’s so skinny and it’s a turnoff, but then I just kept telling myself, it’s just an arm, he has a body. I can’t seem to spark physical interest in him.

Thanks for allowing this space for even dark truths to come to light.