I decided to quit smoking 10 days ago with the beginning of the month and I’m following an app that supports quitting by gradually reducing the intake so that I can become smoke free by the end of the month. So today I have a “quota” of 10 cigarettes. I’ve been using Models to help me change my habit. Today I noticed I didn’t have any cigarettes on me so I went to buy some. That’s when my emotions took over on a visceral level as I went to buy some from the usual place but they didn’t have any. I thought, “Good, maybe this is a sign to just stop now.” But then another thought took over, “No, you can smoke 10. Go find another shop.” The feeling was so intense to keep searching for places where they have cigarettes, to the extent that I became sure I’m addicted and that this is even a stronger sign to use this intensity to give up the search, go home and examine these feelings, emotions, and sensations.
Yet I kept deciding to check another shop. Then another. Each time with a growing obsession to keep searching and I just kept observing what I’m doing without interfering or putting an end to the “madness.” Two hours later I found a shop and bought a pack. I smoked one cigarette. And here I am posting this question now.
Following this episode, I’m having a lot of judgment of myself and mixed feelings.
1. I’m scared I’ll never be able to quit if i keep behaving this way.
2. I also feel hopeful that this happened so I can have a strategy to cope with something I now know.
I’m so confused at the same time.