So many uncomfortable feelings

I have a lot of models with regards to a current situation with my husband. This is just one circumstance in what seems like a 100 that results in my negative thoughts about him.

The circumstance is that he bought on line 3 hats and uniform shirts that say US Border Control on them. He is not affiliated in anyway with any form of law enforcement.

I am feeling disgust like the “I’m going to hurl” kind of disgust. It reminds me of when I saw blood on his teeth after oral surgery level of “ugh”. And I’m feeling shame. I’m ashamed to 1) be married to him and 2) ashamed that I’m not saying or doing anything about it.

Either he doesn’t know what that represents or he doesn’t care and I suspect he doesn’t care. I almost can’t imagine a worse ideology to be aligned with. Those are the people who violently separated and “lost” children. We have very different ideas of what is disgraceful for Americans.

My brain wants to say “I don’t know why he thinks this is okay” but I DO know why he thinks this is okay. He is a Nationalist, a white Nationalist wrapped up in his own brand of righteousness.

C- these shirts
T- these are the bad guys
A- physical reaction of nausea, pull away, cry, judge him, fantasize how I can get rid of it
R- stew about it, see us as even more separate

C- these shirts
T- I can’t speak up because it will cause a fight
F- shame
A- be silent about it, harbor resentment, stew about it, judge myself
R-he doesn’t know how I feel about it, continued distance

C- these shirts
T- People will know who he really is
F- embarrassed
A-hide my concerns to protect his and my image
R- not be authentic, not have support

C- these shirts
T- This is who he chooses to emulate
A- judge him, tempted to educate him
R- pull away