So messed up around weight

So here I am on vacation, upset about how much weight I’ve gained. I hate how I look in all the pictures, I hate how my body feels and how it looks. I am disgusted with myself and feel both determined and hopeless to fix it.

I was trying to follow a protocol, but I keep falling off it because of the thoughts I have about it. I feel like it’s impossible for me to get to a body weight that feels right for me, and that ultimately my body is defective. My legs are too short and fat, and totally disproportionate to my body and I’ve tried my entire life to change it. I feel like I have to hide myself, and I feel deformed.

So I hate myself and my body. Which yes conveniently does distract me from the real problems of my life. I feel like I’d do absolutely anything to lose 15 lbs, I’d do anything.

So why can’t I simply stick to my protocol?? I’m so exhausted from starting diet after diet after diet only to fail fail fail. I’m so sick of wasting my entire life trying to lose weight and hating my body. What a waste of my existence.

What I usually do is *make a new plan and resolve to stick to it*, but I just feel hopeless. I’ve never been able to stick to my promise, so why would this be different? This really trips me up, because I believe that nothing will work for me (thought). It’s been my experience, so I believe it’s true. Nothing has ever worked except starving myself, and taking adderall. I really try not to resort to adderall, and now I’m fat.

I don’t even know where to start. I can’t accept my body – I hate it. I have no motivation to “start a new plan” because I believe that nothing works (thought). I can’t pick the new thought “maybe this time will be different” because I genuinely don’t believe that.

C desire to lose weight
T nothing ever works
F hopeless
A eat
R gain weight

C desire to lose weight
T my body is deformed
F ashamed
A ruminate, eat
R continue to believe my body is deformed

C desire to lose weight
T this is impossible
F hopeless
A hate myself, withdraw
R miss out on life and hate myself

C desire to lose weight
T I absolutely hate my hips and legs
F shame, disgust
A pick at my body, hate self, desire to eat
R gain weight and continue to hate body

T I can lose weight if I take drastic measures
F determined
A make plan that involves drastic measures
R stick to it for a few days and lose a few pounds

T but I can never stick to these drastic measures
F defeated
A give up as soon as it gets hard
R I don’t stick to my drastic measures and gain weight

I’m having trouble finding a new thought that I believe. So let’s try something different.

How do I want to feel?

F at home and comfortable in my healthy, agile, active body (ease, comfort)

So let’s try a model starting with the F line

C desire to lose weight
F ease
A I would never think about food. I would get up and get dressed and love my body. I would enjoy the feeling of fabrics on my skin. I would be grateful for my nourishing food. I would have no rules around food, I’d not ever tell myself a food is bad or good, it would be neutral in my life. I would face my issues head on and with confidence and would never use food to buffer, since I can see that it is unloving. I wouldn’t judge other people’s food choices.
R Food would be neutral in my life, I’d love my body, and would effortlessly maintain my goal weight

Okay, so how do I take this into a thought that I can practice? And how do I find a thought that would allow me to incorporate protocol that I can stick to?

T having protocol is too restrictive
F conflicted
A agonize about whether to do protocol or not, make no decisions, go further down rabbit hole of indecision
R I make no decisions, further proving that protocol is too confusing or restricting

I think I need more help. There are many things going on here.

1. Hating my body
2. Not believing that it’s possible for me to lose weight without drastic measures
3. Believing that I can’t stick to drastic measures
4. Thinking protocol has to be a “drastic measure” in order to get results

I’m messed up on all fronts. What are some thoughts that could help me? Is there a coach I could hire for like, an hour to help me sort this out?