So Very Glad my Horse is Alive, Part 3

Thank you so much for getting back to me so quickly. I wrote pages on the the why question and tried to unpack my Action line multiple times. I would just get myself confused and muddled.

Your examples “I create suffering for myself”, “I don’t allow myself to be happy” were super helpful – really not used to thinking that way; victim mode is what I think I have been modeling – the results just happen to me vs. owning that I am creating them.

How are these?

no change to first model

C: saw my horse grazing in pasture
T: He is alive!!!!!!!!
F: joy
A: watch him
R: I consciously realize how happy I am to see him alive and enjoying the fresh spring grass. Pasture is his favorite and I am so delighted he not only is alive, but strong enough to walk out to eat it!

C: I consciously realize how happy I am to see him alive
T: You can’t be happy
F: hurt
A: throat choked, tears run, crying, stop looking at him, freeze in place, wonder why I’m not going out to see him
R: I don’t allow myself to be happy (it was super hard to write this – I had to keep looking at your words. How do I work this concept?)

C: standing on deck
T: I have every right to be happy.
F: anger
A: get ready to fight, clenched teeth, shoulders tight, argue with myself back and forth – what would i do if I went out, I would just bother him, stay in indecision
R: I have the right but I’m not allowing myself to take it

C: go in house
T: You have to suffer because you are bad
F: defeated
A: deflate, wander aimlessly, afraid to do anything because it will be “wrong” and then I am “more bad”, confused, don’t know what to do, move slow, drag out doing my chores, tormented in the barn feeding my horses because I am afraid I will do it wrong and hurt them, beat myself for missing my scheduled times, I get really hungry, my chores take all day, I “don’t have time ” to do the things I want, like go out to the barn and work with my horses
R: I create suffering for myself by denying myself my wants and mentally tormenting myself, I create lots of evidence for how bad I am by doing things I don’t think highly of

C: My horses are outside. I stay in the house.
T: I want to go see them.
F: longing
A: keep telling myself to go out. I don’t. feel powerless to achieve my wants (I WANT to see them but I rarely actually do see them)
R: I keep myself wanting.

Thank you for working with me on these!