So Very Glad my Horse is Alive


I cry when I am glad, the more glad the more cry.

When I sit with it, my throat is choked. When I look at my November feelings sheet where I have written in body sensations for different feeling words to build my vocabulary, I previously listed “tight throat” as ‘worried’. I feel a “heart clamp” which I previously tied to ‘inadequate’.

c: super “touched” by a loving gesture, really happy
t: I get in serious trouble if I’m happy
f: choked
a: cry, go numb, can’t focus, agitated, unproductive, frustrated; I have measureable results. they tank out. they don’t even make the list
r: unhappy (safe), my wants are in serious trouble, I am draining personal resources at an unsustainable rate

c: super “touched” by a loving gesture, really happy
t: I am willing to experience happy for as long as it lasts without shutting it down ahead of time.
f: knotted solar plexus (scared stiff)
a: choke, sabatoge
r: unhappy (safe)

c: super “touched” by a loving gesture, really happy
t: I am willing to experience happy for as long as it lasts without shutting it down.
f: inadequate
a: thoughts: i don’t deserve this, this is too good for me, i am inadequate to care for him in the future – this was because I got help, it wasn’t because I was capable or skilled; If I was capable or skilled I would be happy and that is not allowed. I start to panic, don’t know what to do.
r: afraid to go out and see him, beating myself for not doing enough or the wrong thing or not listening enough

the model above represents the pieces I am currently aware of. The order is the order I experience. I know there are lots of missing pieces because it is super incongruent; i run this circle a lot

I would like help in putting all the pieces in coherent models.

Thank you.