Something I’ve Found Out About Me

Hi Coaches,

Today was a day where I’ve found out a new pattern of mine concerning friends.
And I want to change that because I’ve lost so many friendships over that thought pattern.
So here we go:

First thought pattern.
A friend of mine has made new friends since she’s in college and she moved in with one of them. They to lots of cool stuff together and we don’t see each other that much anymore. And now they have tickets to a festival we once went. And they uploaded a picture of them on the festival and I instantly felt bad.

I then wrote down my thoughts:
She has so much fun
She has her life together
They are so cool
They are so special
They are best friends
Their life is so cool
They are so lucky
She doesn’t need me anymore
I’m not included
I’m not special
Its so cool what they are doing
They are so happy, fun and fullfilled

feelings: sad, unworthy
actions: hating my life, indulging, being jealous of her, not be happy for her,
result: me ending a friendship cause of my behavior

So I then noticed how I think that when someone meaning 2 people or more are having the best time ever and are proud/Secure and have like inside jokes etc.
I feel so shitty. Like I want to be part of the group but I’m not. And I know I should be the one being proud with whomever I spent time with and I’m learning that. And I’m getting really good at it. I just noticed how if I have someone who is loud, proud and funny I feel special being around them and when they do things without me I feel excluded.

Also I noticed how I measure or increase one’s selfworth by how many people they are being loved by.

So my goal is that if I would have loose all my friends and boyfriend I would feel the same confident and selfworth if I were have still have them. Or other example is if I have to walk ALONE by a big group of friends in the middle of the street I want to feel the same self confidence if I were to walk with 5 of my girlfriends there.

Do you have any suggestions for this situation?

I tried to come up with thoughts but I want them to come from a place of love for them and for me. And not from a place of “i don’t need them” OR “i’m better off without them”
But I don’t want to swim in selfpity either.

Here are my thoughts:
it’s so cool what they are doing!!
i’m happy for her
my life is amazing too!
doesn’t matter which life you have you decide if you are proud of it.

Some of them especially the first to are filled with selfpitty haha

Would love your advice!!