Hi coaches,

I’m pretty sure I know what you’re going to say but here goes… My 18-year old son in a Freshman in college. We give him a small allowance for going out and also pay for school.  He has his own savings account with $10k that he funded through gifts over the years as well as working odd jobs in high school. Right now he does not have access to that account bc we helped set it up for him while he was away this summer and then left for college. He wants full access. I know he has every right to because it is, after all, his money. But I want to continue to control him and the money. My resistance – and where I want to maintain control – comes in because he had a vaping and marijuana issue in high school. He also love to shop. I’m worried he will fall back into drugs, that he’ll spend all his money, and that something bad will happen to him.

I know I have to let him make his own financial decisions, but I also want to show up as a parent who is responsible and doesn’t let her child blow $10k. I know I cannot control him but my thoughts are still out of fear in both models.

C: Son asked for access to savings account
T: I need to control him because he will spend it on drugs and clothes
F: Fear
A: Don’t give him access. Keep nagging him
R: Have a controlling, not loving, relationship with my son

C: Son asked for access to savings account
T: I need to let go of control because that’s what I’m supposed to do
F: Fear
A: Give him access but spin in worry
R: I’m out of control in my thoughts

How can I let go but feel at peace with what happens?

C: same
T:
F: At peace
A: Give him access
R: Loving relationship – be the parent I want to be