My husband and I have talked about independent living for our 23 year old autistic son but my thought is my husband would rather play with him than support him in life skills such as cultivating friendships, outside support with life skills, etc. So my experience has been that I have created & implemented most all of the support for our son – home program Son-Rise with a team when he was diagnosed autistic at 4, holistic doctors, aids for school, getting diagnoses, playdates, Special Olympics, job support & IEPs. Our son, at 23, no longer qualifies for school service support, so support services now are new territory, which is fine, but work. We haven’t needed that outside support as he was employed prior to Covid. Anyway, I feel like the bitch & the taskmaster while they play. SO I am judging myself as not a good mom, not effective or connected to our son. Just his manager, I suppose.

C: Suggested husband print out a pancake recipe this morning prior to them making pancakes. Husband didn’t. I told him I made that suggestion as I think it would empower our son to be able to make the pancakes himself and also support him in practicing his reading.
T: They make all these plans that don’t include me.
F: left out
A: print out a pancake recipe for myself but don’t share
R: Left out

C: Suggested husband print out a pancake recipe this morning prior to them making pancakes. Husband didn’t. I told him I made that suggestion as I think it would empower our son to be able to make the pancakes himself and also support him in practicing his reading.
T: My input is not valued
F: defeated
A: cry
R: I don’t value my input? I don’t value my husband’s input? Hmm – there is some truth there.

C: Son lives at home with us.
T: If I wait for husband to help, son will never live independently.
F: angry? alone?
A: do research alone
R: I live independently?

How do I want to feel? I want to feel connected to both my husband and my son. I want to feel like I am in a partnership with my husband. I want to feel like I can trust my husband when he agrees to follow through on something. I would love for my husband to take initiative whether it is with our son or the house.

How am I feeling? I have been crying the whole time I am writing this. I guess crying is a good thing, so I’ll just cry. What is going to happen to our son if we die? I mean when we die.

The only intentional model I can come up with.
C: Myself
T: I need to take care of myself.
A: allowance, acceptance, connect with myself, see a therapist, go surf or walk, love myself, be my own ally, reach out to SCS, create ways to connect with son, love myself, appreciate myself, appreciate my husband, my son & their relationship, continue to journal
R : Take care of myself?

Thank you for your support!