I apologize ahead of time for this doozy of a thought download/story submission. I’ve tried self-coaching and have now accepted that I need some help here, lol.
I have been doing a lot of work in my personal life to get certain results I want. This created a lot of cognitive dissonance which lead to about 3 months of a consistent and blinding migraine. This resulted in some weight gain from overeating and my inability to get out of bed.
For a while, I was fine with the 10lb weight gain. I gave myself grace. The grace didn’t last too long!
I recently matched with this dude I think is super cute on Hinge (a dating app). I’m using the imagination of a future date with this guy, seemingly, as the “excuse” to beat the shit out of myself.
I have a lot of thoughts like:
“I can’t go out with him because…”
-I am too fat right now
-My forehead is too big
-My eyebrows are too low
-My hair is too thin for this big forehead
-My lashes and nails aren’t done
-My lips are too thin
-I look tired
This thinking leads to actions like:
-Obsessing over food and getting my steps in.
-Feeling in a hurry to be thinner.
-Googling the best hair extension gal in my area
-Writing a budget for getting my lips and tear troughs filled with filler and my brows lifted with Botox and googling the best injector in my area
-Trying to find the best lash artist and manicurist in my area
-Obsess over finding an outfit that hides my “little pooch” my mother recently decided to point out. Keep in mind, he has to love the outfit though (as if I know what this random stranger loves in terms of women’s fashion??)
-Feel rushed because if I make him wait any longer, he will lose interest.
Then I *attempt* to interrupt my model, I think:
-Well he definitely won’t like me if I don’t even like me! I should work on this.
-If he doesn’t like me, that’s not on ME.
-All my photos on my Hinge profile were taken when I was at this current weight, big forehead, low eyebrows, thin hair and all! He still chats with me…
What do I gain from me thinking he’ll only like me 10lbs thinner with all that junk injected in my face and fake hair? (The answer: I gain nothing)
Even so, I continue to spin and obsess over changing myself and I ultimately think that I am not worthy. I end up thinking I need to do the thought work in order to feel worthy before I can even consider going on a date of any kind.