Hello,

My husband is a high functioning alcoholic…yes this could be proven in a court of law by the amount and frequency that he consumes alcohol compared to the Canadian “guidelines” for what determines being a high functioning alcoholic. We have been struggling with this for our whole 12 year relationship. He says he doesn’t want to “be” like that, but he doesn’t do anything to change it. My Dad was (still is) an alcoholic, so my husband’s excessive drinking triggers me. I have tried to separate my husband out from my Dad. I have tried to “detach” from him when he drinks. A LCS coach coached me on learning to just accept him as he is with love, and that my problem with his drinking is only a problem because of how I think about his drinking. I have a hard time with this because when someone is numbing themselves from whatever internal pain or struggle they are going through, they are also numbing themselves from those around them. They are emotionally unavailable. I have stopped trying to help him get better because after years of it I realized you can’t help someone if they don’t want to help themselves. He has recently added smoking pot to his roster of numbing mechanisms (he also smokes cigarettes). I love him and care very much about him. I am currently not attracted to him because of the accumulation of his verbal abuse and seeing him drunk all the time. I want us to stay married, but not if things stay as they currently are. I see so much potential in him and he is a good person. I threw out the “manual” I had for him and have asked him repeatedly over the years to get help, but he refuses. I am struggling with how to love him as he is and not let his drinking affect our marriage. I have searched Brooke’s work and the questions on Ask a Coach for similar situations, but haven’t come across any advice from her or coaches regarding dealing with someone with an addiction.

Any guidance you can provide on how to save my marriage and make it a healthy relationship is so, so appreciated!