Staying married…part 2


Hi, thank you for the response to my question.

Regarding how I was asked if I don’t need my husband to be different, what parts do I need to accept as they are? A: I guess all of him, I need to accept that he may not want to be a better father, he may not want to be more loving and understanding. His video game may be more important than his family. I can still be sad about this, I can make a request that he does more with us like play a game or go for a bike ride. I may also say to him that what he is giving he may get back. His kids may decide in the future their phones/friends are more important/interesting than he is or more interesting than I am. I can do EFT to try to reduce the emotion that comes up from this.

The other question was what can I do instead of shopping (my buffer). A: I can go for walks, I can clean the house, I can work on going through my stuff and getting rid of what I’m not using (purging always makes me second guess purchases when I’m out shopping). I can read, when the weather is nice I can do yard work. I can look for volunteer opportunities for my kids so that we are working on providing a service rather than just consuming. I can invest my money, I can work on math with my youngest.

I also have another question for the coaches, I am worried that I’m not being authentic with my kids by acting like everything is fine but also wishing/buffering that he was different. But I guess they don’t need to have my unhappiness at the forefront of their lives like it was for me with my mom. I can model what I consider positive behavior and hope it makes a positive difference in their lives. Does this seem correct?

C: My husband buffers by watching TV and playing a video game
T: He gets to be himself, I don’t have to be reactive to his behavior.
F: Worry/fear
A: I can work on feeling the feelings that come up, I can keep busy, I can read. I can get counseling, I can listen to scholars.
R: I can be happy no matter what he does, he gets to decide what he wants to focus on, I get to focus on me and my kids. I can do a weekend project on the house, I can repaint the living room, I can put up new pictures. I can decide to focus on what makes me happy. I can be compassionate towards my husband, and towards myself.

I guess I have a new model for myself: I can be married and be happy and not because of what someone does or doesn’t do.

I guess I can choose to be energized by the fact that my husband is usually always on the couch consuming TV or video games, he isn’t out gambling or doing really horrible things, he isn’t drinking. He isn’t trying to hurt me. I can keep letting the hurt and the tears come up because maybe I’m realizing how controlling I am, maybe when he plays his video games it’s the best part of his day. I don’t get to change him. His playing a video game doesn’t have to mean we are not worthy of his time, it doesn’t have to mean he doesn’t know how to be a dad. I guess I don’t even need to make requests that he play less because this would be coming from a place of being manipulative and thinking if he did then I could feel better. I don’t want to make him feel guilty for being him.

I realize I have a lot more work to do on myself, I do feel emotional and sadly triggered by writing this last part. I’m sitting here feeling sorry for myself, ugh. Maybe this is a gift, I get to be married, I get to focus on myself, he isn’t making demands of me. I can start making bigger decisions. I can have my back, I don’t need his approval. I can decide what is right for me. I can be smart about my money. I can plan for a future for myself when my kids are grown.

I am open to any suggestions on fine tuning my model and if my other ideas of what to do are also buffering or are actually more helpful.