So I I’m working at my relationship with my bf. Cause I have doubts about him. I was getting pretty good at it. But then I noticed following this weekend: my story is only firm when he behaves in a certain way. Also now that I’m again at a “low point”. This thoughts come up:
Thoughts that pop up:
All the other people who are not familiar with the model would say I’m crazy. It’s not normal what I am doing.
I’m forcing something that isn’t meant to be
it’s not going to last
what I’m doing is wrong
you can’t fight feelings
some things are not meant to be
if I would tell someone they would tell you that it is not good and healthy what I’m doing
when I quit scs it will all come back
I’m ignoring my “instincts”
this time of my life with scs will be rememberd as “attentive to stay in love with a man” but without success.
it’s gonna catch up with me
what am I doing??
These are the thoughts that make me anxious.
sometimes I know they are just thoughts and sometimes they feel so true that I don’t believe they are just thoughts. Because the vibration in my body confirms to believing these thoughts.
HERE IS ALSO A MODEL:
C: having the thought “I’m going to tell my friend that I have doubtful stories about my bf”
t: when I will do that she will tell me I have to break up and I will believe her because some part of me still believes that
a: not sharing things with friends
r: me thinking about telling friends
I ALSO notice how I don’t look at other videos or quotes because they might trigger the belief again that what I’m doing is not right. Fighting against a feeling that feels so true is not normal.
and as I believe it too sometimes it’s harder.
The only thought that makes me think this is all ok is when I think that if you are married for 20 yrs or so this can happen too. And then you do not just give up on that.
And this past weekend we had a big party at our city.
and the last 1-2 months I always thought of my bf as the love of my life, the sexy man I’m attracted to with no doubts. I had the perfect love story in my mind and truly truly believed it. He was/is this man who has it figured out, he’s a photographer, has his friends, and is calm, and secure, I admired him. So sexy! I felt like I look up to him.
and then we spent 3 days together. And his behavior triggered these thoughts in me:
he’s emberassing, he tries to hard, his jokes are not good, he’s not such a cool guy, he’s no calm, he doesn’t attract me.
And all these thougts triggered doubts again. Because they broke my lovestory of me and him. I think the lovestory was only believable when he acted in a certain way. And that would be:
when he’s calm, when he talks slow and “normal”, giving directions, having his own life, own life. My thinking of him being the one who is secure and has many friends and everyone wants to be with him.
and when he broke that behavior/image in my head. The story also broke..
and I find myself standing here believing the shitty story that I have to break up with him etc. and feeling it with my whole body. And this feelings almost drives my actions.
I’m sort of happy that it happened so I can analize why I have him to be this cool guy.
I want to learn to love and be in love with him even if he doesn’t add up to this expectations I have of him. Can you help me with that?
So here is what in my mind a guy has to be in order to me be fully in love with him
I have to admire him, I have to look up to him, feel safe and just think wow, he’s got it, he has to be secure, the better/higher person, I have to think he’s the greatest.
In order to that he has to have this behavior:
calm voice, secure, not trying to hard to be funny, just be natural at that, connect with other people,
When he doesn’t have that behavior than this happens:
if I look down on him, I can not take him seriously than, I don’t have any respect for him, I feel irritated, doubtful, telling him to make thing differently. JUST NO LOVE OR ATTRACTION there.
What I think might be happening is that I have an unrealistic image of real love.
the thing where I always have to look up to him in order to feel attracted, secure and love towards him. I want to change that! I want to feel all of that no matter his behavior. Can you help me with that`?
I think I’m a pretty lucky girl with him. Really. We have the perfect relationship except for this thoughts.
but me thinking and believing the doubtful thoughts when he behaves in an other way than I feel attracted doesn’t allow me to be love him to the way I’m supposed to be. I want to love him the way he deserves.
I think I’ve discovered a really important thing here. I just don’t know on how to handle it and what to do with it. Maybe I just need you to tell me I’m gonna make it, I’m gonna make this relationship work. Cause at the moment I’m scared that I won’t make it. And that everything was for nothing.
and I’m just looking for reasons to not end it.
I want to analyze this thinking that I believe and feel attracted to.
thanks so much for helping me coaches!!