Still Hate


Hello,
I’m trying to figure out how to transform hate.
I hate my ex. I get times when this thought/ feeling combo ebbs, but he just continues to be a jerk, and now I don’t know what I would do if he wasn’t a jerk. Would I forgive him anew?
I don’t want to do that.
So what do you do when you don’t want to feel hate, and you also don’t want to feel any other way about someone. Because I know that C’s are neutral, but getting my $ drained, taken, and my health threatened, that just does not feel neutral to me.
That his actions could have negative life-long consequences on me, my life, and my children. I just do not see this as neutral.
I think it is preferable that I am alive and healthy enough to be able to contribute to my children’s lives. I do not think my death would be the same as me living for my children, nor for me. Being alive and being able to raise them seems preferable to me.
Is it my preference that is causing all my pain?
My preference for keeping my assets?
My preference to keep them without a legal battle.
My preference for people to not attack me with their words.
My preference for people to believe and trust me.

If we don’t have goodness, trust, care, then what is the point of it all… just a big insincere game where we ignore everyone and just act on our personal whim?

All this, all of everything. I still hate him and love him and miss him and want nothing to do with him.
I don’t know how to get over this, away from this. We have children, so I cannot be done with him.
I can’t stand him.
I feel as if I am supposed to forgive him and be friendly towards him.
He found out I likely got Covid from my daughter (likely from one of the not-covid safe locations he brought her to). He did not apologize, he did not once ask how I was doing. He said “you would blame me, we were all negative” even though my daughter was positive and he refused to test.
I don’t know what to do about him in the world (court) or in my mind.
I should just change my thoughts, but that seems foolish, already tried that.
Thank you!