Still loving my ex-husband whom I kind of hate

I am getting a divorce. My husband had an affair, lied, and didn’t keep his word. He initiated the divorce. He has been unfriendly and unsupportive in the divorce.

Still I find myself loving him and missing him, and wanting to do the work of relationship with him (he is also the father of our two children).

He has decided I am some sort of terrible person and sets me up to be in any way he can, and then just acts out if it doesn’t work. Sometimes I feel angry with him, other times I just remember loving the kind person I met and fell in love with and I feel badly for not supporting him enough.

He used to not be that great with the girls, but since the separation, he has been a better father, which just makes me feel worse… if he could be kind and loving to them, why didn’t he do that while we were married. It hurts. I want to be with the kind version of him if it is still there, and now that kind version is showing up again – not for me, but for my girls. I don’t know what is going on in his head. I feel this litigation mode we are in right now is harmful to both of us. I have ideas of trying to sit down with him and work things out between us, but I imagine he will not want to – he seems to want to fight. That seems so bad for our girls.

It’s like I love him and hate him at the same time. I love him and I hate him for being mean and for having these ridiculous mean thoughts about me, for telling me things that he has not reversed himself on.