I had a major surgery in October after encountering fertility issues, and my husband and I have been trying again for a baby since the time of my recovery. I had just taken a negative pregnancy test yesterday, when my brother and sister-in-law called to tell us they were expecting. Their baby will be the first grandchild and we are all excited. I truly am overjoyed for them, but I’m also feeling grief as we do not yet have a pregnancy after undergoing the surgery.

Here is the model I have around the grief I’m currently experiencing:
C: My sister-in-law is pregnant. I am not pregnant.
T: I desperately want a baby.
F: Grief
A: Withdraw, feel defeated, protect myself by withholding information and expectations
R: Even more desperately focused on what I don’t have, rather than what I do (a new niece/nephew and a wonderful life in the here-and-now).

I’ve been working on new models around this but am having a really hard time coming up with a thought that feels neutral. Even a thought like, “I am not pregnant right now,” while objective, does not feel neutral at all. And thoughts like, “I will have a child at exactly the right time,” feel true to me but also don’t feel like they address the current circumstance. I’ve been telling myself that thought from the time we started having fertility problems, and it’s becoming less effective over time because it is being challenged (although I do still believe it to be true).

I wondered if maybe I should lean only into all the positive things I’m thinking about how excited I am for my brother and sister-in-law, but that feels much more like I’m ignoring the work of dealing with these confusing and negative thoughts/emotions.

I’d love any feedback you have on how I could work with my thoughts.