Still unsure how to feel your feelings IN THE PRESENCE of the person you’re feeling towards


I thought we were supposed to first feel the feelings before we could get to a place where we can change the thought … I still do not know how to do this when I’m angry with my husband.

It’s all too quick, I ended up in a fight with my husband this weekend and just cannot remove myself most of the time in order to feel the feeling. what then?

This weekend we were having company and I spent 2 hours cleaning the house, I didn’t do the kitchen because I was going to do that last minute since it gets dirty quickly. We also have 2 small kids who can make a mess rather quickly. He was upset because they were going to be there soon and the kitchen still hadn’t been cleaned.

C: Husband says “You say you cleaned for 2 hours but cleaning is not just pushing stuff around”
T: I just cleaned for 2 hours while he was playing on his computer.
F: Annoyed, angry, unappreciated
A: I walk away to process feeling annoyed, but he follows me around the house asking me what’s wrong over and over again, then I yell back at him that I cleaned for 2 hours while he played on his computer
R: we fight

When I had TIME I could think that I should have said “you’re right, lets finish cleaning up together.” or ” he’s just feeling pressured to finish and felt like I was blowing him off with my comment that I already did it all” or “he just is worried what they would think of the house and is feeling nervous”

But in THE MOMENT, I don’t know how to process my annoyance with him when he just follows me around the house. How can you process a feeling without reacting when your spouse is following you around poking at you? do I leave the house? You have replied in the past that I have to find the thought that doesn’t make me mad but then you would say other times that I have to feel my feelings. I am confusing the two.