Stillbirth and Life

I want to avoid getting sick. And I think if I could figure out a way to think about my stillbirth maybe I could make it through the grieving without getting sick as much.

Before getting pregnant I was unsure 100% whether or not I really wanted a baby. A part of me did and a part of me didn’t- I currently am blessed with a healthy 8 year old boy and 4 year old girl.

My current model is something like this:

C: I gave birth to my dead baby girl (this was 2 months ago and my 3rd miscarriage)
T: How come I manifested this? Maybe I didn’t truly want a baby? People are going to be weird around me now. I want her to be a part of my family and I wish she was alive and with me. I am somewhat relieved because I don’t have to be getting up all night and I’m so tired.
F: confusion, sadness, shame, exhausted
A: Decide I need to get more clear on my desires. I have continued to do everything pretty well- I am homeschooling my 2 kids, working on my husband and I’s business, and my artwork business. My strongest desire right now is to hide… I’m not sure if somehow I feel shame for the still birth- I think I do, but it feels so sad and raw it’s hard for me to understand it. I also don’t want to be weird.
R: Get sick (going to go get tested for covid today) and now I can’t exercise which was my greatest outlet for my grief. Exercise has been my saving grace through this and now I can’t exercise.

I know I have too many thoughts going on for this to be very clear. I think also coming from a family that is 100% focused on family might play a part. I have a script about how a family should look and about fitting into my own family (by having lots of kids).

I get sick like clockwork from suppressing feelings. I feel like I’m trying to feel my feelings, but I know I don’t want to get stuck there. It’s been 2 and a half month since my stillbirth and I’d like to be starting to feel better. I guess I think I should be feeling better. I want to better understand this. I think my issue is that I keep wanting to feel happy and creative and powerful, but I’m sad. I do think I have shame in there, but I’m not very good at allowing myself to see it readily.

Help please.