Stop Overeating 5/30 (part 2)

Coach asked: Why do you want to weigh 118lbs? What are you telling yourself will be different about your life? This might be the opportunity to take pause and reflect.

I looked at this. I currently weigh 133lbs. What do I think would be different if I weighed 15lbs less?

I have a lot of illogical ideas in my head, actually, that make me wonder why I am actually trying to lose weight at all. I feel like I’d look younger, that I wouldn’t age (I know this is false), I’d be in control (kinda true?), I’d like my legs more (may or may not be true), I’d be less self-conscious (may or may not be true). I think really, it’s that I think I’d be younger. This makes no sense.

As I’m writing this out, I honestly don’t even know why I’d want to be 118lbs. Maybe that isn’t what I even want. Like, yeah, I’m 5’3 and 133lbs which is honestly pretty fine. I guess I want to look better. I think what I really want is self-acceptance, and I want to like my body and I think that magically if I lost weight, I’d like myself and accept my body. So, this is good for me to know, really.

Yeah, I want to feel good – but I do mostly feel physically well. I want to be fit, and yeah, I could exercise more and then I feel more fit.

I just fantasize that if I am 118lbs that I’ll be thin, my body will be perky, I will be confident and will basically age in reverse lol. I picture myself being all fit and stuff, and that people would like me more and, I’d like myself more. I’d finally be able to stop trying to lose weight, because I will have accomplished my goal and will end my lifelong struggle.

But even given the illogical nature of some of this, I still want to lose weight. It’s like I’m addicted to wanting to lose weight. But, I really want to stop trying to lose it! This makes no sense!

I also just want to stop binge eating which I do on occasion, because I currently can’t handle my emotions.

I wonder if maybe I just focus on following a healthy food protocol without focusing on weight loss? Because I do want the emotional benefit of being able to stick to my plan, and I seem pretty unable to do it. But I really want to accomplish losing weight so I can feel like “I did it!”

Does any of this make any sense? I don’t know if I should be focusing on self-acceptance, which seems to be what I truly want, or weight loss, or both.