Stop Overeating 5/30

I’m still not following protocol. Today, it was because I didn’t make a meal plan. I was just tired last night and didn’t plan, and then I ate whatever. I mean, I didn’t eat like total garbage.

Some of the thoughts I have around protocol:

– I’ve never been able to follow a protocol for longer than 44 days
– Sometimes I feel better when I eat off-protocol
– This is unsustainable
– Maybe I’m just making too big a deal out of this
– I never lose weight anyway so what’s the point
– The only way for me to lose weight is to fast (this is kind of a big one)
– I’ve never been able to lose weight by sticking to a protocol – only by fasting

Honestly, for me, the less I have to think about food the better. I think this is why fasting works so well for me, no decisions.

But then when I fast, I have thoughts like:
– I’m not getting enough calories
– I can’t continue this forever

I’m not really sure if I have a protocol problem or what. Other thoughts I have are:

– I’m not overweight enough (I’m 5’3 and 135lbs, and am kind of obsessed with losing weight)
– I shouldn’t be weighing myself every day
– I can never ever get below 129 without adderall or something
– Maybe I should just stop trying to lose weight
– It’s impossible for me to get to 118lbs
– I won’t look good if I’m 118lbs, I’ll be too skinny

I guess it boils down to: Getting to my goal weight is impossible, I won’t look good at my goal weight, and sticking to a protocol has never worked before. Those would be the chapters of my book. Well, it’s clear why I don’t get to my goal weight or stick to a protocol.

This is actually really interesting – I don’t think I fully took it to this level before, but those are the thoughts I’ve been thinking over and over and over for my whole life.

So, I think I have some good awareness of this – I haven’t fully written out the models but I can see as clear as day that these do NOT lead to sticking to protocol! Let’s play one out:

C Goal weight is 118lbs
T I will look too thin at 118lbs
F Conflicted
A I remember the time when someone said my face was too thin, I google pics of other people who are 5’3 and 118lbs, I make justifications and rationalizations for why I wouldn’t be strict on my protocol, I start little sneak foods here or there, I don’t plan my meals, I still criticize myself, I create a lot of conflict internally
R I continue to never find out if I’ll be too thin at 118lbs? Not sure what the R is here.

But yeah – none of these models are going to get me to the A line of “sticking to protocol”. Maybe I need some new thoughts here. Thoughts that I simply need to PRACTICE over and over and over again.

I’m tired but I did want to do my check-in today. I will journal tonight to find some thoughts that result in the action of sticking to protocol, writing out meal plan, and committing to myself with the result of I hit my goal weight of 118lbs.