I didn’t follow my protocol again. I’m not eating like crazy, I just didn’t say what I was going to do. I am not going to give up on this. I am truly not sure why I don’t follow my protocol. Today, I was just feeling hungry and irritable in the morning, and told myself that because I didn’t want to take the time to cook my meal, that it was fine if I just ate what I felt like. Which, honestly, was grilled veggies, snap peas and tzatziki dip, raspberries and blueberries. Instead of smoked salmon, two eggs, and raspberries and blueberries.

The thoughts were: I’m too tired and irritable, why am I so tired, “fuck it”, it’s healthy food so it doesn’t matter, maybe I shouldn’t eat so much fat anyway, why does my knee hurt, maybe being more “keto” makes my knee hurt, last time I ate sugary good my knee didn’t hurt so what’s the harm, **these veggies etc are low in calories so they aren’t really a cheat**

Yeah, it’s that thought about the “veggies etc. are low in calories so they aren’t really a cheat” that got me going. That, plus weighing myself everyday is throwing me off.

I think I could benefit from taking a break from the scale. I know Brooke says to weigh daily to watch your mind go nuts, but it really impacts my ability to stick to my meal plan. I understand the logic behind the daily weigh-ins, but I find them extremely triggering. I 100% know it would be beneficial for me to be able to manage my mind through the weigh-ins, but I’m wondering if I could benefit from first getting onto a food plan, and then getting on the scale? But, at the same time, I’m concerned that if I don’t learn to manage my mind around the numbers that I will lose that opportunity to learn how to manage my mind in difficult circumstances.

When scale goes up, I think “oh my God, I can’t do this, nothing ever works, this isn’t working, nothing ever works, this is pointless, I’m screwed, I’m never going to be able to do this,”

When the scale goes down, I think “oh my God, this is totally working, maybe I can do this, maybe this doesn’t even have to be hard, I’ve been making this a big deal for no reason, I totally am capable of doing this, things are going to be better!!”

So, in noting these thoughts, the ones that are the strongest are what I make them mean in the future.

If I’ve gained it’s:

C scale is higher than yesterday
T “I’m screwed forever, this is it, it’s all downhill from here”
F hopeless
A
R

And if I’ve lost, it’s the thought:

C scale lower than yesterday
T “Maybe better days are ahead, maybe I’m okay!!”
F Hopeful
A I actually think I get quite graspy when the number has gone down. I don’t feel calm about it, I get a sense of ‘relief’ from my catastrophic thinking, and tell myself that I can relax with the food plan bc now I know what works, and I can be more relaxed about it. I end up eating off protocol because “it’s no big deal”
R

So, I think my second model is incorrect – the feeling that makes me feel graspy is….what? Or maybe graspy is the feeling. YES, it is.

C Lost weight
T Don’t mess this up!! Don’t make a mistake! Stay on track! Dont misstep! You’re going to do this wrong! (I know that’s multiple thoughts but they pretty much mean the same thing)
F Graspy / anxious
A This graspy feeling makes me feel uncomfortable and gives me an urge to eat. Sometimes I do
R I make mistakes, mess it up, and do it wrong

When I step on the scale, I want to feel neutral, but I just don’t. So, I don’t know really, if I should be weighing myself. I certainly feel better when I don’t. But I’m nervous that if I don’t weigh myself, whenever I DO weigh myself, this exact same thought pattern is going to come right back up.

Any advice here?