I hope it is still okay that I post here, although I am clearly struggling a lot. This is part of the reason why I committed to posting everyday, because I have gone through similar struggles before and I’m hoping to bring enough awareness to the cycle that I can break it.
I have noticed that I am using my protocol and food plan in a very ‘black-and-white’ way. As I mentioned yesterday, I don’t feel like there is a ton of compassion or self-love happening here, and my intuition tells me that this is making it difficult for me to actually write and stick to my meal plan.
I feel that my goal to lose 10-15lbs is frivolous – because I think yes, while I think I’ll accept myself then, I also just want to be and feel hot! That’s my motivation. I want to be hot. It actually feels good to admit that without shame (thanks Master Coach Brenda Lomeli!). I think my body has a great structure and frame and muscle tone, and I think it has the potential to be BAM smoking hot awesome!
C Desire to lose 10-15lbs
T It’s frivolous to want to lose 10-15 pounds when I already look fine.
F Caged
A I rebel against my meal plan, I don’t follow it, I don’t write it, I berate myself for not liking myself more, I spin in trying to figure this all out, I create a conflict and polarity within myself that says
R What is my result here?
Oh my god – I just realized something.
I also tell myself that “once I lose 10-15lbs, I’ll really put myself out there with my business, I’ll get awesome photos of myself, I’ll really go all-in”. I fantasize about this. I follow others who do this with envy and admiration.
But there’s another part of me that is TERRIFIED to put myself out there, no matter what weight I’m at. THIS is the part of me that is rebelling against the meal plan. This is fascinating. Okay, this gives me something to work with in a later model.
C Desire to lose 10-15lbs
T I want to be hot!
F Motivated
A I start to think like a ‘hot’ person. I feel my motivation come back for the gym, the cloud on my head and brain is clearing up, I’m feeling like I want to maybe get a spray tan, I want to dress better, I want my toned tight body back – I start remembering what it felt like to be hot, my shame and dark cloud is lifting, I am ALLOWED to want to be hot, yes! I’m feeling excited!
R I take actions that make me feel like a hottie
