Ok so I was gone for a couple days but I’m back.

Still not creating and following a protocol. I’m not eating out of control either, I’m weighing myself daily.

What can I say, really, I guess I currently feel fine. I still want to lose 15lbs, but I am seeing that I cannot do this in a harsh way. Reality is, one part of me wants to lose weight, another part is like “don’t you tell me what to do,” and they are fighting inside of me.

Part one: I want to lose weight so badly, I will do anything, we will get this right this time. Just make the damn protocol and follow it, I’m going to do it this time no matter what. I don’t know what’s wrong with me that I can’t just get this right.

Part two: Excuse me? I hate the diet industry. What are you trying to make yourself fit into some ridiculous ideal? You should just love yourself anyway, why do you even need to lose weight, you’re not obese. It’s not even healthy for you to be trying to lose weight. Stop with this nonsense, stop being so weak.

So, these two parts are inside of me, arguing. Sometimes part one wins, sometimes part two wins. Though honestly, neither part feels particularly great.

Where I can get to that feels good-ish to me right now is this:
– I can want to weigh whatever I want.
– I can lose weight if I want to, I can maintain, or I can gain weight if I want, too.
– I want to lose weight so that I can feel my most attractive and in my best body.
– I also want to be able to follow a food plan so I can learn to manage my mind.
– I want to do the impossible and get to my goal weight without starving myself or making myself miserable.
– I want to be an example of what’s possible.
– I want to follow my food plan and see what my body does with it.

That is what feels right for me right now. I think that setting a goal weight might not be working for me right now, but I think if I try to follow a food plan that I love for two weeks and LET go of attachment to the outcome (weight), this might work better for me.

Anyway, just wanted to check back in.