Stop overeating day 3/30

I feel awful. The scale was higher than I want but the bigger problem is that I feel fat. I feel like my face is too round, my eyes are too puffy and my jaw is messed up. I’m getting older and I’m going downhill. I hate how my face feels like this round moon ball. I’m so tired that I don’t know how I can work without getting a coffee and a breakfast sandwich from Starbucks. I drove to Starbucks but the line was too long so now I’m sitting in a parking lot typing this.

Distressing thoughts:

I hate my round moon ball of a face
I don’t want to keep trying to lose weight for the rest of my life; what a waste of life
I feel so fat
I don’t know how I can work when I am this tired I need Starbucks
I could take a nap in the car
This is totally unsustainable
I need to quit my job
When are things going to change?
Things are never going to change

Well, the best thought out of this is that I could nap in my car.

The other helpful thought I can find is that maybe it’s the coffee that’s making me tired. I have been drinking more coffee lately and now when I don’t have enough, I’m crashing. This makes me want to consider cutting it out completely. I don’t think it works well for me in terms of being a daily habit.

So, I can kind of see how I am driving myself into a hole here.

I think another thought that drives me down is, “I have to figure out this food stuff before I can start living my life.”

Then I start freaking out about “what if I never figure out the food stuff, will I just be on a diet the rest of my life spending all my energy trying to lose weight?” That’s what I feel like I’ve done for the last twenty years and it’s pretty terrible.

I think the triggering thought is:

C feeling of “puffy” in face
T I hate myself and my fat face. This is never going to get better.
F self-hatred
A take selfie’s to see if I look more fat, criticize myself in the mirror, I don’t believe my affirmations, my food-controller part gets active and I want to starve myself, I want to come up with a new diet, I berate myself, I take a nap in the car.
R I have no idea. Please help.

And then there is:

C my friend is living her best life while I’m taking a nap in my car so I can go work at a job I don’t like
T when am I going to start living my life??/I have to figure this out before my life can begin
F desperate
A I don’t know. I just freak out in my mind, mostly
I think I isolate and dissociate from my life, I take a nap in my car, I write this model…
R: well I guess the dissociation is kind of the definition of “I don’t live my life”

I want some new thoughts that I believe. I’m practicing the affirmations but right now I for sure don’t believe them.

I guess I can be grateful that I can sleep in my car. But that’s not enough. I want a better life.