So I just ate donuts today. It’s not like I’m not trying, coaches. I’m very successful at other things in life. Not as successful as I could be, as obviously something is awry with my prefrontal cortex.
I feel like I have an addiction. Not in a pathologizing way, but I have absolutely no idea why I can’t make a meal plan and stick to it.
I feel like there is a war going on inside me, where one part really really really wants to make the plan and stick to it and another part just is like, “this is unsustainable, you don’t need to do this, stop forcing yourself to follow a plan, just be normal, you’re not even overweight, don’t waste the rest of your life dieting”.
But I can tell you for sure that none of it is based on self love or acceptance. It’s just not. I just DON’T love and accept myself, and I’m trying to change myself as a result. I feel awful, shameful, guilty, defective, and then another part of me just wants to eat because I can’t handle how I feel.
I feel like I’m trying to “force” myself to follow a food plan. Is that how this is supposed to be? I’m trying to think of ways I could lose weight while also loving myself but I guess losing weight, to me, feels like punishment. It doesn’t feel like self love.
I want to weigh 118lbs because I want to be hot, cute and be able to wear whatever I want. Maybe at 118lbs I’ll like my thighs. Or my body. I think it’s “okay” but I’m still not loving myself. I still judge my self worth based on the scale.
Truth be told, I felt better when I didn’t weigh myself daily. I’ve given the scale so much power to control how I feel and now I feel like I’m stuck in a loop.
Is it possible that this method that Brooke describes just won’t work for me? Yeah I’m pathologizing it. I feel like I just can’t stick to a plan and even when I do I fall off. And then I beat myself up because I can’t do it.
I don’t know how to break the cycle, and I don’t know how honestly this is any different than a diet.
I’m so upset because I want so badly to believe in what Brooke teaches, but I feel like this just isn’t working for me. But I want it to so bad.
Maybe that’s what’s at the crux of this really, is just my lack of self love. I don’t know and I feel so defeated and I’m so exhausted and am feeling like I want to give up, which terrifies me.