I’d like to stop buffering with: food, social media, biting my nails, stimulants, diet coke, picking at my skin, and alcohol. I just keep switching from one thing to another, over and again.

I think I’m really ready. I can’t feel a feeling all the way through because I keep finding another way to buffer it. I don’t want to be a tyrant with myself, I want to be loving, and I know this sounds a little extreme, but my reason is that I want to live awake. I want to be in my life, instead of watching it pass me by while I buffer. I’m buffering because I don’t like reality. I don’t like reality, so I buffer with stuff. But, that does not seem to change my reality.

Is this ridiculous? I guess I get to decide if it’s ridiculous or not. I want to feed myself nutritious food. I want to move my body to keep it healthy and in shape. I don’t think I have to cut out alcohol completely, but I don’t want to compulsively drink because I’m anxious.

I’m going to be easy on myself with the food plan. I’ve done no sugar no flour before, for a long time, but I’m going to start by allowing myself to have some microwaveable organic meals. They are easy, and if I have that on-hand, I will be less likely to order something unhealthy. I’m going to try the food plan, but I will be easy on myself with it. I have such a diet mentality, that I feel if I just remove sugar flour in one fell swoop that it will feel like another diet.

I’m not totally sure if I’m ready to weigh myself everyday either, because my brain has a hayday with the scale. Well I know that it’s my choice whether to believe it or not, and I guess really NOT looking at the scale could also be a buffer, in a way.

I’m just processing. I know that what I’ve always done in the past doesn’t work (ie: today’s a new day, here’s the master fix it plan!), so I have to do something different. That, I know for sure.