Stopping People Pleasing


Since I’ve had my kids home with me, we go on a little run each morning around the track by our house before they start online school. We run past my friend’s house on our run and she asked if she could join us the next . I said, “Sure, we’re leaving at 7:30. I’ll text you when we leave. ” I did that this morning. She didn’t text me back until 7:39 that she was there. We were almost done with our run and ready to head home. In my pre-scholars life, I would have stayed and run some with my friend and visited. This would have been my model:

C: Text from neighbor 7:39, Plan to leave track at 7:40.
T: I should stay and visit
F: Obligated
A: Staying, visiting. Not following through with my planned schedule.
R: I’m not doing what I should for myself.

Instead, this is what I did:

C: Text from neighbor 7:39, Plan to leave track at 7:40.
T: I have a schedule I’ve made that I want to keep.
F: Committed
A: Communicating my plan with neighbor. Leaving per my schedule.
R: I keep my schedule

This is the model I want to keep, but now I’m having a lot of thoughts about my actions. My neighbor has texted me expressing that she’s frustrated because she was there waiting for me (which she was not).

C: Keeping my schedule. Neighbor says she is “frustrated”
T: I was inconsiderate of my neighbor
F: Guilty
A: Beating myself up. I am wanting to do something nice with my neighbor (although I know this is just coming from guilt)
R: I’m being inconsiderate of myself

If I had stayed and visited, I would have had the reward of feeling good from people pleasing. I would have delayed my negative emotion though because I would have felt guilty after for not keeping my schedule. Taking care of myself and keeping my schedule doesn’t feel as good as people pleasing, plus I have all of these thoughts creating guilt. Is this the river of misery?

I want to trust myself to take care of myself, so I am glad that I stayed with my schedule. I just wonder if it will get easier to manage the guilt.