strange place

So I’m kind of in a strange place right now.

I joined SCS to work on my relationship. Meaning to love and respect my bf and make him the love of my life.

I’m not where I want to be yet.

Where I am at the moment:
I still have those moments where I have thoughts and feelings where I make him just “someone” instead of the one.

In those moments I feel heavy and sad. Because I’m not in love with him. Last weekend at a wedding it got really bad because I saw how the couple was happy and the thought the world of each other. And I didn’t.
So I was really mean and disrespectful towards him. And he was too.

And then when we got home I told him that I didn’t like the way we treated each other.
Also, thoughts and stories came up that maybe we weren’t the right ones for each other. I already imagined us breaking up and finding other partners etc.

And after I told him that I thought we weren’t that happy. He was like yea. And I asked him if he loved me and he said yea.
And then I panicked bc maybe he didn’t love me anymore etc.
And then I was convinced he didn’t like I was seriously soo heartbroken because I thought I had lost him.
And I saw him through a whole different angle.
I had thoughts like:

I’m better with his love
I love being loved by him
He’s so kind, beautiful and funny.
I’m never going to find such a good man again.
What makes him so special:
He’s funny, adventurous, beautiful at the same time. He cares for me and others.
It’s an honor to get to love you and be loved by you.
I can’t stand the thought of not be loved by you anymore.
I’m the luckiest girl!!

And I love thinking of him this way. IT’S THE BEST!
But then the other side/moment come again and I distant myself and make him this “someone.” And that I’m not in love with him. And I’m just not into him. etc.

I slowly recognize that it’s my thoughts.
For example, the other day our married friends came over and this model happened in my head:
C: Jessica said: and I told my friend she should come and let your bf in so he can make photos. and I told her that he is the cute one with blue eyes
T: It’s just not so impressive to have the cute. yea, he’s alright. nothing special
A: seeing him as just someone and not the love of my life. Making him this “someone.”
R: me not thinking of him as special and the one.

I know I do that with my thoughts. But it’s really hard when I have the thoughts where I make him that bad and that he is not a special person. I want to get out of that thinking!! It’s not serving me. its dragging me down and also my relationship. it makes me act disrespectful and I also I’m sad when I think that.

Can you help me how to get out of that?

What I did the past few days is to remind myself how I felt when I thought he wasn’t in love with me. Then he became this amazing beautiful man and I couldn’t bear the thought that I wasn’t loved by him anymore. And no matter what he did meaning things that annoyed me before or I thought were not attractive were ok.

It is But the other thoughts start to get bigger again.

I would love to hear some of your idea that you would apply here.
Thanks so much!