I feel so sad. I was in the ER both Saturday and Sunday this past weekend. I had an allergic reaction to Mucinex and also had a little virus where I was having a hard time swallowing thick phlegm and worried about choking. I also have long-term GERD and my esophagus had gotten quite irritated. I had on and off panic attacks related to difficulty breathing and the uncertainty of not knowing what was going on with my body. I also live in Puerto Rico away from my family and felt very needy about the whole thing. I live alone and have felt extra alone trying to cope with this.
Many people have been helpful and kind, but I’ve learned that my crisis isn’t someone else’s crisis. Other people’s lives go on and they have other priorities no matter how extreme my situation feels to me. I’ve had hurt feelings from how a couple friends showed up (or didn’t). And my Dad basically picked a fight with me last night and the day before. Last night I had to get off the phone because I don’t have the breath to get angry or sad and he was triggering me.
It’s also felt harder to manage my emotions these past few days. I didn’t eat at all for 2 days and then days 3 & 4 I had about 300-400 calories. Today I probably had 1100 calories so am getting closer to proper nutrition. I’ve broken down crying multiple times and ultimately learned that my anxiety was making my breathing much more difficult. I knew it was a factor, but didn’t realize how much of a factor it is. I’ve also been dealing with side effects of steroids like feeling jittery or shaky, having a dry mouth/throat and getting red and hot. This has made sleep difficult and swallowing tough especially with some mucus still there.
Part of me is moving forward towards normalcy given I can breath better and eat better than I could a few days ago. Part of me is still in panic mode and craving for someone to take care of me, make decisions, research medical options, make appointments and help me feel safe and secure. For my Mom to fly down and stay with me and make sure I’m ok. For my cute guy neighbor to come cuddle me when I’m shaky from steroids. For friends to come over and adjust their schedules and lives to keep me company.
Part of what I have learned from this is how capable my body is and that I didn’t give her enough credit before. I haven’t really complained about being hungry and have had a surprising amount of energy for not eating. I’m not as much of a delicate flower as I had thought.
But that said, I’m craving so hard to be back to healthy throat, healthy esophagus, healthy unrestricted breathing, no excess mucus and able to eat normally again. I’m also realizing that resisting the present moment only adds to my suffering. I think I haven’t been feeling my feelings too much around this, because any extra tension in my chest or throat make it worse. But I want to yell and cry and throw a bit of a tantrum to be honest.
I guess what I want is to feel peace and acceptance, to trust that I will make a full recovery in time and to focus on gratitude for all the people who have helped and supported me and all the nice things my friends have done rather than what I perceive as lacking. I want to be able to feel my feelings of loneliness and fear and know I can handle it . . . and also for it not to make my physical symptoms worse. I’m feeling some doubt that I can get to this place though. Self-doubt has crept in during this whole experience and I don’t like it.
I would appreciate any insight on how I can get closer to peace and acceptance and gratitude. I know that mental shift will only help my physical state too.
Thank you : )
