Struggling a bit with letting go of buffering

About 2-3 months ago I made the conscious decision to make it an absolute priority to catch myself when I’m buffering and to stop/prevent it from happening. As far as A – buffering, I’ve definitely been doing it A LOT less and it’s been working.

However, I’ve noticed my thoughts and emotions have become overwhelming to the point where I’m concerned. I am starting to really think something is wrong with me. I understand this is the thought, but it just feels so real. I am so damn mean to myself and so judgmental of others around me. It makes so much sense why I am stuck in the results I’ve created: living with my parents, self-sabotaging whenever I make great money in my coaching business, constant people pleasing and burnout .. all these results are so clearly coming from this deep lack of trust I have for myself.

I just feel hopeless. And I’m judging myself for feeling these feelings and having these thoughts. I feel like such a phony. I have helped so many clients have extraordinary changes in their lives yet I’m still living pathetically at home. I beat myself up all the time for living at home and judge my family harshly.

Even as I type this I feel like such a victim it feels so pathetic. I feel like I shouldn’t be this way. I almost don’t want to look at it.

I want nothing more than to smoke a shit ton of weed right now and drink alcohol and hang out with friends, but there is a knowing within me that there is a breakthrough waiting to happen here .. but man it’s hard to be here.

Here is a model that I feel is behind most of the thoughts. It’s something I started thinking at a very young age being gay amongst being a huge rebel growing up that is resurfacing HARD and has been really challenging to disprove:

C- me
T- There is something wrong with me
F- incomplete
A- beat myself up, compare myself to others, frantically find a coach or therapist or healer to “save me,” become DESPERATE for help, feel so heavy that I take little action, desperately try and change models, avoid my dark sides and shadows, think “this coaching stuff just doesn’t work for my broken brain,” think “what’s the point,” think “maybe my brain actually is broken”
R- I create more wrong with me

Should I be trying to disprove this thought? Should I be trying love myself even when I feel this way? Should I be asking myself “why is my shadow such a problem?”

Even as I write this here I just feel like at this level in my healing I shouldn’t be feeling this way.