I joined SCS for support with my business. I am now entering month 3 and I am realizing that my struggles with my thoughts surrounding my relationship with my spouse are more important and possibly also contributing to thoughts about my business. So, I think I need to shift my focus and I am somewhat struggling there. I feel like there are so many thoughts I don’t even know where to start. However many of the issues I am having have been magnified since my daughter was born (she is almost 3). I know parenting a toddler is hard in general, most people would probably agree with that, but for some reason, my husband seems to be finding it even more challenging. A lot of my negative thoughts about our marriage are actually related to how he acts when she is around.
A few things happened this weekend that created thoughts for me resulting in being sad and hopeless. These happen all the time, but these are a couple recent ones. I’m becoming more aware as I try and coach myself through them. My big goal with self-coaching is to try not to snap back.
My daughter talks almost non-stop at times (and it can be exhausting), this weekend my husband was sitting outside on the patio (I was watching/playing with her inside) and she ran over to him chatting/talking loudly and tried to open the slider door to get outside to be with him. She couldn’t get it open so starting yelling about how she couldn’t get it open, she was trying to show him something. He just kept sitting there and didn’t get up, I hear her hollering so ran over and opened the door and she tried to show him something and he said “God, does she ever stop talking” right in front of her. I saw her kind of pause and look at me. So I replied, “Well, she is three” and then said to her, “Let’s go inside and let dad have some quiet time.” It did take restraint not to say anything else, which I am working on.
I think this was upsetting to me because he works almost every day of the week, really isn’t around her all that much (he watches her 1 day per week) and then when he is, he almost always seems on edge, snappy. I know he is tired from working, but he also seems to work on purpose to be away and then blames his having to work for being tired. He doesn’t have to work as much as he does (though he seems to think he does). Ironically, I make almost double what he makes in a given time frame, but I am the one that works less. I think partially because he doesn’t like to be home and possibly also just out of his desire to be the provider. I am very careful not to make comments about how I make more money. I don’t actually mind working less, I like being able to be home with my daughter. Though it sometimes would be nice to have more time on my business, that isn’t what I’m struggling with this question.
C: husband said “Does she ever stop talking”
T: he doesn’t want to be around her/us
F: sad for me and for my daughter
A: take her away from him
R: feel resentful that he doesn’t want to be around her but also that I don’t ever get any space of my own because I am always the one taking care of her/the house etc.
My daughter was playing in the living room, she is into things a lot (as toddlers are). She tripped over a fan that was on the floor (one of the ones with adjustable heads that click when you move them up and down.) It made a big noise and the whole head got bent down. She said “Uh oh,” and sort of starting crying when she fell. My first instinct was to make sure she was okay, so I picked her up and held her and right as I was doing that the first thing he said was “God, this kid breaks everything.” I was really upset that when she was hurt he was worried about the fan being broken (which it wasn’t anyways, the noise was just the clicking).
C: husband said “this kid breaks everything”
T: why does he care more about some item (a plastic floor fan) than our daughter getting hurt
F: irritated, sad
A: I hugged and comforted her, ignored him and then took her to play in another room where he wasn’t at
R: more time not spent together has a family and more irritation that he doesn’t have any patience and desire to be around her.
When he is home, he is usually working on the yard, or in the garage. We do very little together. There are events like this almost every day and now I’m feeling like I am seeing them more, almost like a heightened awareness. I think my fear is that my daughter is going to feel like she has to walk on eggshells around him (like I do). Always worrying about what is going to set him off. There is never any physical harm, but it feels like so much emotional stuff. I guess I struggle with how to change my thoughts about this. I want her to love being around her dad and I wan’t him to want to be around her (and me).