Struggling with opening my marriage

My husband and I have been monogamous our whole marriage (20 plus years) and then a year ago decided to start exploring sexually with others. We definitely have set boundaries but it’s been a rocky road. My husband sees it all as “just fun” but I struggle with some jealously, frustration and sadness that he wants to continue with this lifestyle. I have a hard time separating the emotion from the intimacy.

I’ve chosen to compromise and have experiences occasionally but most of me wishes we could go back to the way we used to be. The problem I run into is if I say no, I feel like he can’t be his authentic self. But if I continue on, then I’m not living my authentic self.

C I am in an open marriage
T I wish my husband wanted to be monogamous
F Sad
A Think about it all the time, judge him for wanting something different than me, have experiences that I really don’t want to in order to appease him, resent him, question myself and if I’m living authentic to me, compare my marriage to others I don’t think are open and seem satisfied.
R Not confident in my marriage and not being authentic

This is a vulnerable topic for me. I have felt safe to share in a few one on one sessions but I can’t seem to feel better about it. Help! Haha.