My boyfriend and I have been going together for 5.5 almost 6 years. We have a long distance relationship.
I’m hoping to get married one day. I’m not so sure he’s keen on the idea as he’s been married and divorced (even “joked” that marriage isn’t all it’s cracked up to be).
He says he loves me. I’m having a hard time with wanting to drop the manual I have for him (wanting to hear about his feelings and re-affirming his feelings for me on a regular basis – or even at all would be nice in relation to our future together, I suppose I don’t feel as deeply loved if we don’t talk and dream about our future together (this makes me want to cry just typing that out) ).

I am the one bringing up any discussions about the future. He does not as he doesn’t see any viable solutions right now in order to bring us closer together. (he has his house he’s been paying on for 10 years, I currently have my career of 15 years).
He has even said he’s content. If things were to stay the same and it’s 12 years into it, as long as we are together he’d still be happy. Those words obviously cause thoughts that cause me to get upset. The thoughts coming up are, then I’d be sacrificing my dreams of living together (I have never lived with a man yet and want to! or getting married and building a life together actually together in the same place!) and those thoughts really upset me.
I am wondering if I am holding myself back from really diving deeper into this relationship because of these things.

I totally rationally get the idea of the manual, but in this case I am having a hard time just letting him be him.
By letting him just be him I am not pursuing the conversations needed to try to progress our relationship and we are staying stagnant.

I might be totally off the mark here with this one.

I don’t know how much more trying to figure this relationship out I can do. I’m also trying to understand what my belief system is around all this that I get so confused.

Do I accept him as he is and stay in this relationship (which is what I’ve been doing thus far (partly I guess). Trying to figure out what my underlying belief system is around this as to why I just haven’t left yet. So I can change those thoughts and go after what I want in my life.

Or figure out the belief system around being hesitant to bring this up to him yet again. There is never a right time it seems. I know I’m afraid. Because it’s almost like I need to figure it all out before I talk to him about it again. But I’m carrying the whole burden of this on my shoulders and I have told him that in the past.
He is content. I am not.
This makes me sad.

Or is there a different belief system around truly moving mountains to be together that I am not willing to go down that road.
I just know that if I live in his house (I have a dream of having a beautiful gorgeous home – kinda like Brooke’s and he is content in his small house with a deck that has needed repairs for years now), I will resent him and then end up regretting choices in my life.

But then another belief system pops up, where I say to myself.. But you haven’t finished X, or Y or Z, how can I expect him to change when there are some things you talk a big game on and then don’t do it. (my dream home is an example as I’m still renting an apartment, or decluttering some of my apartment that has been a work in progress for geese 9 years!). 🙁
I know I feel like he is holding me back, and I know that in reality I am holding me back.

Gosh I’m hormonal right now. This seems to amp up during my cycle.

I know I’m all over the place, but I believe that the right words are being typed for you to read.
I can always follow up with more details.

I am sure that by him holding back, I hold back, and together we are doing nothing but holding back from truly diving head first into something that could be so amazing if we both just allow it. But I’m the one doing all the thought work. He doesn’t do this sort of thing (and again, I soon admire Whitney’s story and how her husband proposed on the podcast! OMG! gush!).
And I don’t even know how much talking about “us” is normal without being too much. I wonder if I need to talk to him try to get him to see how great life could be if we just ventured into something new together. How exiting it could be. But then am I trying to change him. UGH.

Where do I even start here. Please help!